Morning Snugness

After going on the school run, I crept back to bed this morning.

I had stupid insecure dreams last night that really upset me. Stupid dreams that OH had cheated and was leaving us all. Followed by a couple of various nightmares, feeling under the weather and a restless baby, I was shattered and worn this morning.

OH was half asleep and baby was snuggled into his chest. I lay on a tiny slither of bed behind him, briefly kissing  and stroking his back before falling back to sleep, holding onto him for warmth, for comfort and for safety(could have rolled out of bed at any given moment.) When baby started to grizzle, I crept the other side to feed her. OH snuggled so tightly behind me that at times, I couldn't move or breathe. It was perfect and we all fell back to sleep.

It's been ages since we cuddled in bed and this was exceptional, completely needed, erasing my ugly sleeping thoughts instantly. I love his squeezy hugs.

What I Tried To Say...

But you wouldn't listen.

I have dragged my children up over the last few years and they have trusted me every step of the way.
I broke up their family and made their father leave home. I took away the option for them to see him every day.

They watched and listened to my marriage crumbling, seeing and hearing things that children shouldn't, causing them nightmares about my safety.

They didn't blame me when they got un-invited to parties and became the "talked about" kids of the school

They didn't complain when they had to give up ballet, tap, hip-hop, drama, horse riding, football and swimming lessons when I had to go to work full-time and leave them with a child-minder instead.

They didn't breathe a word about their clothes looking worn and feeling smaller when I struggled to buy them any new belongings.

Even though they couldn't hide their disappointment at missing school fayres, birthday parties, and school discos etc due to my tiredness or being stuck at work, they didn't hold it against me.

They didn't compare their new birthday and Christmas budget with their previous years.

They didn't complain when their home was repossessed and they had 24 hours to find and move into somewhere new.

They helped pack up the old house, unpack at the new, then pack up again 2 months later and unpack at yours.

They trusted me when I asked them to move in with you, in another town, away from their friends and family.

They didn't even moan about the daily two hour commute to school for six months because they could see how happy I was.

They embraced moving to a closer school and didn't try to make me feel guilty about leaving their school friends.

Even though a little scared, they made new friends and started a child-minder, putting on brave faces.

They have fed themselves by packing their own lunch, making their own breakfast and tea, put themselves to bed and pretty much organised their own lives, understood me missing all of their school plays and assemblies, due to my incapability while suffering through pregnancy.

Even when they are frightened when we argue, they allow me to reassure them that I am safe,that you are safe.

They know when I feel tired, or sad and offer to help or hug me.

They were excited about us getting married and desperately want your surname too, despite knowing how infuriated their father was about the suggestion.

They accepted you as part of their family and love you completely.

They love their new baby sister and haven't shown a scrap of jealousy or need to adjust.


These are the reasons that will make me defend them against any slightly negative comment,  why I feel so proud and privileged to be their parent, why I will champion them at any opportunity, why I can sometimes appear lax with discipline, why I constantly explain to you, how well behaved they are compared to other children, why I take the blame for anything they do wrong and most importantly...

...why I don't care about the muddy shoe prints on the dashboard of the car.

Mine....

Even though I'm a bit cross with him and think he should feel bloody lucky that he has escaped a massive row...I still feel loved up tonight.

He isn't here.

He is drinking with friends, which is a rarity for him.

I keep looking at Indie tonight in awe, amazed that she is here. Amazed that she was his idea. An off the cuff comment he made mid row, about maybe having a baby. I hadn't planned on any more and wasn't sure.

I have him to thank greatly for her and it makes me love him oh so much.

What Are The Odds?

The vision I have of tonight is clear...

Wandering along the landing barefoot after my shower, I will hear the older kids breathing slower as they fall asleep, leaving upstairs peaceful.

Nipping into the kitchen for a bottle of ice cold Magners I will glance over at the dirty tea dishes from the delicious tea that was cooked to perfection.

Through the door into the living room I will stop and gaze at the baby sleeping cosily in her moses basket. My husband will look up as I enter and his eyes will follow me as I walk to the sofa. He will be packing away his iPad and switching off the TV as I flop next to him.

We will both feel tipsy as we continue drinking between debating over what song to play next. Our evening will be filled with affection, curled up on the sofa together and conversation, spoken over Jeff Buckley playing in the background.

Never going to happen!

Excitement, I'm Easily Pleased

A parcel arrived...on a Sunday?

When you become a parent, everything you own becomes communal. No one tells you that really, even though I suppose it's obvious. You expect it to ease as the kids age, but it becomes worse. My make-up, has finger dents in the foundation mousse, the lids are broken off all of the eyeshadows, lid marks in the lipstick and all of my mascara dried up a substantial time ago. And this is vandalism from an 8 and 10 year old? They have even started raiding my clothes! Admittedly it's all oversized on them, but they they seem happy enough to steal it. I treated myself to a new tee-shirt to wear for bed, one from a kooky website where you can get them with kooky pictures and slogans. I bought a Jaws tee-shirt, with the classic film cover on it, in an XL size to fit an 8 month preggo bump in. I wore it once before it found its way into 8yr old girl's belonging.
It's not just my possessions, but my food too? Sometimes they have literally taken the cereal from my spoon. I suppose it will get even worse when I have to share a car with them.

It isn't just the children, but OH too. He even "shares" my shower gel/hair conditioner/shaving gel/tweezers etc. Being Mum or Wife is equivalent to abdication. You are suddenly queen of nowhere and no-thing.

I rarely spend money on myself but knowing I face a birthday this week and am not likely to receive gifts (see future blog) I decided that it was time for a treat.

Inspired (I'm so impressionable)by Not such a Yummy Mummy's Book Challenge and the fact I had recently found some time to actually read, I went mooching around Amazon.

Like I said, today, on a Sunday, a parcel arrived.

 Inside are some pure little luxuries... just for me.

Reply to Methemanandthebaby

After following a fair few new folk on Twitter and realising they all have Blogs, I spent most of my weekend browsing them and getting up to speed.

I read a post that I really empathised with and absolutely wanted to comment on but

a) for some reason, couldn't due to lack of technical ability and

b) had so much to say that I wasn't sure how to condense it down.

www.methemanandthebaby.com "online-friends"

The inspiring article is linked above.

There is a certain stigma about online relationships of any sort and have always felt slightly embarrassed to admit to "real world" friends that I have cyber ones. After giving birth 4 weeks ago, I was astonished that the ladies following me,  on my fairly new Twitter account, were more interested, more supportive and more engaged about my pregnancy/newborn than any of my "real world" friends on my Facebook or than my family.

Mingled in with the "real" ones on FB are a few of my oldest "cyber" ones. The cyber ones being the "friends" that I can actually be myself with and say WHATEVER is on my mind. They have moved with me as my choice of social networking has developed, starting out as a random in a chatroom, moving to Myspace with me then finally committing on a proper friendship on FB! I have met some in the real world, but Facebook comes pretty close I think.

I remember feeling strange when I first accepted a friends request, from someone with an actual name (fore and sur) rather than RHChillibabe79  as I had previously known her and then ransacking her profile to see pictures of her family, friends and colleagues. All her anonymity vanishing within minutes.

I'm straying far from the point I wanted to make but in agreement with the lovely lady I have linked you to up there *points towards top of post,* I too have moved to a new town where I know very few people.
 I also lost a majority of friends when I left my ex-husband-that-hasn't-died-in-a-car-crash. The remaining few either live in my hometown and they are not the type of friends I can 'fess anything to or are newishly acquired from returning to work after ex-husband-t-h-d-i-a-c-c and are young, free and single. They too are super smashing and I am grateful they are in my life, but I can't talk relationships and babies etc with them.

But this wonderful world wide web gives me the ability to befriend to my hearts content. But best of all, it gives me access to such a variety of people that I wouldn't necessarily have in the real world.

I already feel a slight panic that one of the ladies who I enjoy reading on Twitter is actually on a secret account and may revert back to her normal one shortly. What if I never get to read her Tweets again! I feel connected to her now after following her life for the past few months and her interacting with me and commenting on mine.

So to all the scaredy-cats out there, who dismiss the validity of net friends because they don't understand the value and think they have sufficient "real world" friends, I put to you...That you are not yet lucky enough to have discovered a random font that makes a difference to your life!

After all, a few years ago, receiving a random, (slightly pervy) email on FaceParty resulted in baby 4!

I met OH on the internet :)

Not that we tell anyone, well I don't. None of my friends or family know we met online. When asked by strangers last Friday during the Peter Kay gig, neither of us had the nerve to admit the truth and told them we were introduced by a friend.

Yes, our friend the Interweb!

I guess I am lucky to have an OH that understands my usage of the net and doesn't ridicule my interaction with nameless individuals who's opinions I look forward to and rely on.

Con-Artist

I think I have just been conned.

The IPad is available on pre-order from tomorrow and OH, who is a massive technology geek,has been talking about it for ages and read every review and article with excitement.

He made reference to it again when he arrived back from work, saying he was unsure about whether to order it or not.

For reasons unknown to myself, I then sold the idea to him and even handled his objections???

When we moved in together, I accepted that anything electrical was his domain and that he would probably spend sufficient finance on keeping his/our technology current. I also appreciate that he doesn't go out much or spend his money on other luxuries. When he said he wasn't sure if he would have enough money at the end of the month to cover any emergencies, I reassured him that I had spare funds and he could use my money to pay half if he wanted.

He looked chuffed, almost relieved. Perhaps he thought he would struggle to convince me that we needed an IPad but I had done all the hard work for him?

Yet I was pleased that he was pleased.

After high-fiving me in excitement, he informs me that obviously this means that he won't have enough money to buy me a birthday present (I'm 33 this month) but that we could share the IPad (even though I'm paying half anyway.)

Hmmm...It's a good job I love him!

Losing

I've pretty much cried every day for the past erm, 6 weeks? Maybe more, maybe less.

My eyeballs hurt and I can barely see any more. Infact, I can't really hear too well either. Think my senses are shutting down.

Will have to ask for help tomorrow. The health visitor is coming for the first time. I shall have to unleash on a stranger and beg her to try and fix me. Between sobs and wiping away the snot, I shall try to convince her that it's not post natal depression, but the result of a difficult few years.

I can't find a way to correctly ask my husband for help in a way that he understands and doesn't feel threatened by.

Can't get a word in edgeways to ask my friend for help.

I'm not even sure who can help me.

I just want to feel safe and loved. No doctor or health visitor will be able to do that. Only my OH I guess. He doesn't want to and doesn't know how to though.

It's an epic fail of a situation

Forgive Him? I Think Not

It made me cry in the car today when I thought of the past nine months and how difficult they had been. The one golden shining prize was the baby being born and this happy time of newness as a family.

A happy time that should be precious and memorable but instead has been ruined and filled with sadness.

Maybe for him it is all smoking related. His withdrawal and frustration is being taken out on us. He did have the nerve to blame me for not being supportive of him quitting, despite the fact he hasn't been supportive of me quitting, or giving birth or suffering with quinsy or struggling with breast feeding, hormones, fear of coping and not having a routine, retard ex-husband issues, anything and everything that is hitting me at the moment. I can hardly agree he has been even slightly supportive of me.

I intended on quoting from texts sent by him, to highlight with examples how hurtful things have been but I would only cry if I had to look back through them.

On occasion over the last 2 weeks I have been filled with hatred for him. Yet I seem to be the one that gives in, that makes an effort, that hugs him, that allows general chit chat.

I alternate between wanting to leave while he is working, to staying and making him tea. To trash his precious electrical belongings to try to affect him, but instead I wash and iron his clothes. I lay in bed crying a few nights ago, yet when I went out for food, I still brought him some. I want to go out and fuck someone else to hurt him, but he would probably just feel relieved.

Yet again, this morning I have cried twice because of him but have still text him to see what time his break is so I can take him a breakfast treat.

I'm pathetic. He hurts me and I do things that show him I am allowing him to continue doing it.

But I don't think I will forgive him for wrecking my special time over the last 2 weeks. Ever

Sadness

It's a painful experience when the person you love SO much takes great pleasure in agonisingly attacking every weakness and vulnerability you have. Even more painful, when they show no remorse after they calm down.

Fail

Well, the big row happened.

I accused him of not making enough effort, not that he wasn't capable of things, just that he couldn't be bothered.

He accused me of being a manipulative, lazy, selfish, sex obsessed, bad parent and dumb bitch, a basic all round failure.

I think I've just hit rock bottom again as I did 4 years ago.