What I Tried To Say...

But you wouldn't listen.

I have dragged my children up over the last few years and they have trusted me every step of the way.
I broke up their family and made their father leave home. I took away the option for them to see him every day.

They watched and listened to my marriage crumbling, seeing and hearing things that children shouldn't, causing them nightmares about my safety.

They didn't blame me when they got un-invited to parties and became the "talked about" kids of the school

They didn't complain when they had to give up ballet, tap, hip-hop, drama, horse riding, football and swimming lessons when I had to go to work full-time and leave them with a child-minder instead.

They didn't breathe a word about their clothes looking worn and feeling smaller when I struggled to buy them any new belongings.

Even though they couldn't hide their disappointment at missing school fayres, birthday parties, and school discos etc due to my tiredness or being stuck at work, they didn't hold it against me.

They didn't compare their new birthday and Christmas budget with their previous years.

They didn't complain when their home was repossessed and they had 24 hours to find and move into somewhere new.

They helped pack up the old house, unpack at the new, then pack up again 2 months later and unpack at yours.

They trusted me when I asked them to move in with you, in another town, away from their friends and family.

They didn't even moan about the daily two hour commute to school for six months because they could see how happy I was.

They embraced moving to a closer school and didn't try to make me feel guilty about leaving their school friends.

Even though a little scared, they made new friends and started a child-minder, putting on brave faces.

They have fed themselves by packing their own lunch, making their own breakfast and tea, put themselves to bed and pretty much organised their own lives, understood me missing all of their school plays and assemblies, due to my incapability while suffering through pregnancy.

Even when they are frightened when we argue, they allow me to reassure them that I am safe,that you are safe.

They know when I feel tired, or sad and offer to help or hug me.

They were excited about us getting married and desperately want your surname too, despite knowing how infuriated their father was about the suggestion.

They accepted you as part of their family and love you completely.

They love their new baby sister and haven't shown a scrap of jealousy or need to adjust.


These are the reasons that will make me defend them against any slightly negative comment,  why I feel so proud and privileged to be their parent, why I will champion them at any opportunity, why I can sometimes appear lax with discipline, why I constantly explain to you, how well behaved they are compared to other children, why I take the blame for anything they do wrong and most importantly...

...why I don't care about the muddy shoe prints on the dashboard of the car.

Dear Ex-Husband-That-Hasnt-Died-In-A-Car-Crash

Dear Ex-Husband-That-Hasnt-Died-In-A-Car-Crash,                                                                                                              

I have several concerns that I need to highlight with you regarding the time you spend with the children on a Saturday.

Firstly, the week before last,  Girl#2 told me, when she arrived home after spending the day with you, that you had hit her. She told me the events surrounding it, which was reinforced by the other children.  She said how she was dragged into the car whilst you shouted at her. Then as she continued to argue with Girl#1, you lashed out and hit her at the top of her thigh. Girl#2 said she cried all the way to your house, repeatedly asking to come home to me. When I asked what Girl#2 had done to warrant being hit, Girl#1 explained everyone was bickering over a communal bottle of Lucozade.

I find it incredibly distressing to know Girl#2 is upset in your care and concerning that you are unable to remain patient with them during the 8 hours visitation. I understand that children misbehave and how stressful it can sometimes be. After all, I cope with them on a permanent basis and do not need to use violence in order to illustrate acceptable behaviour.  Particularly, as you will know from attending their parents evening, that the girls are of above average academic ability and are incredibly mature. They can certainly be reasoned with and are happy to engage in discussions surrounding  my expectations of them. 

The most confusing thing for me, is in your text, when trying to justify hitting Girl#2, you said, “She didn’t listen to you, end of.”  Being a teacher, you seem to manage to control a classroom of 30 children (usually special needs) and get them to follow your instructions, but seem to need to use physical violence in order to control an 8 year old.

The incident mentioned by Girl#1 and Girl#2 about Boy#1 refusing to get into your car three weeks ago at the park, when he ran off for 20 minutes and had to be collected by Girl#1, is unacceptable. He would never run off from my care, or anyone else he has been left with. It is surely your responsibility to go and collect him rather than Girl#1’s. She isn’t the parent in this situation. I have seen your comment about the event but again, it doesn’t seem to match the identical stories of the kids.

Boy#1 has said several times that he no longer wants to see you on a Saturday as I told you via text, months ago.

I also have concerns that your upset surrounding my new marriage and new baby seems to be directly affecting your attitude towards the children.  This was emphasised to me by your 2 threats towards my marriage/husband and your negative comments about the baby/my pregnancy made to the kids.

I genuinely believe that in your mind, some of the things I highlight, you interpret differently and see as no harm, but you should look at the collective perception of the children. You may be joking sometimes, but they don’t see it that way.

Feedback from anyone who has contact with the kids is really positive about their behaviour and it seems to only be yourself that has issues with it. Could this be more of a problem surrounding your relationship with the children rather than them simply being naughty?

Perhaps you could focus on having a nice few hours with them rather than shouting or hitting them all day?

Boy#1 is willing to still see you at the moment. His comments about seeing you are mostly made about the activities and treats you provide, which although is lovely and I am grateful for, shouldn’t be the sole reason he is prepared to have a relationship with you.

Girl#2 is now adamant that she no longer wants to be in your care but is still happy to pop and see you when the other kids are dropped off or chat to you on the phone. I hope you respect her decision as I certainly have. If not, I will take even further measures to prepare to go back to court, if need be.

Hopefully this incident with Girl#2 and her reaction to it, will make you think twice about how you respond to Girl#1 and Boy#1. It would be a shame if they all felt the same way and didn’t want relationships with you. I know they are currently supposed to under the court order, but time goes so quickly and they are getting older. Soon it will just be their decision. I hope they want relationships with you as they grow up, because they benefit from it and enjoy it, rather than being forced to by court.

Maybe Girl#2 may change her mind with time, possibly depending on whether she hears negative or positive feedback from the others.

With regards

Hoax Caller

P.S Please die in a car crash. 

Ex-husband-that-hasn't-died-in-a-car-crash

I feel that I need to justify the nickname...

Sometimes it's the fate I wish upon him.

Other times I feel guilty and think I'm a bitch.

Karma will decide what happens to him :)

Dilemma

Need advice really. OH isn't really vocal on it and best mate doesn't know what to say either.



Brief history
Left ex husband in late 2005/2006. Took me 9 months to get him out of the house as he refused to leave.
He became controlling and aggressive the last few years we were together. It got worse after I told him I no longer loved him and it was over.
A tense awkward relationship followed. He had been violent with me when we were together and it continued after we split and he had hit the children too.
After 2 yrs it got to the point where I thought he would
a) kill or badly harm me
b) harm the kids
c) run away with the kids
d) kill himself

... So I went to the police then a solicitor.

To cut a long story short, I ended up representing myself at court. Access was never in question. I'm not even sure what the case was about I just wanted help and someone to tell him he couldn't behave like that. Even his barrister said he didn't understand what the judge was trying to achieve. His barrister also disagreed with the judge, who would absolutely not let the kids (my only witnesses) give statements or evidence.

Anyways, I lost. On every one of the 11 counts, despite the ex admitting two. Supervised visitation for 6 weeks followed by regular 8 hr contact on a Saturday. That's been the case since last August.

Present Situation
I hate him! I don't trust him for a second!
We have had a few issues, in January after he found out I had gotten married and was pregnant. He made a vague threat towards my new marriage via text. A couple of cases of him trying to assert his authority over me. Stuff I can't even be bothered going in to. Another threat in person towards me a few weeks ago but I found out that last Saturday he hit my daughter!
He dragged her into the car then a few minutes later whilst she was arguing with my other daughter, hit the top of her inner thigh. All because they were bickering over a bottle of lucozade.

It's always her that he has hit. The time he punched her in the stomach because she was nagging to go to the shop (raised in court and not believed) then the time he threw her across a hotel room then started hitting her, because she wouldn't get her pj's on (witnessed by other 2 and raised then disbelieved in court).

Angry exchanges of text followed by me telling him he couldn't see them this week.

I don't know what to do???

Technically I am breaching the court agreement. But if I try to go back to court, the judge won't believe me again?

when I asked the judge to put in the court order that he doesn't hit/smack them, he said I had no right to say that as I had lost the case.

I absolutely cannot afford a solicitor.

I cannot allow my children to be treated like this.

I have no clue what direction to go.

I just wish the ex would die in a car crash :(

Relying On Karma To Kick His Ass

Ex-husband-that-hasn't-died-in-a-car-crash, father of three of my children, is back with vengeance, like bile reflux, causing unwanted stresses and fear of what's to come.

Triggered by the children wanting to double-barrel their surname with my new married name has brought out his demonic side and reminded me of his capabilities.

Something inside so strong...

I feel utter rage and can't vent it and it is making me feel physically ill.

I have never really hated. Hate, I have always thought is a waste of precious energy. I wouldn't give someone the satisfaction of thinking or knowing that they were hated by me. The wouldn't warrant that much attention.

When I split with Ex-husband-that-hasn't-died-in-a-car-crash, I didn't hate him. I was sometimes repulsed at the thought of him and sometimes I felt despair. In fact, I felt many negative things about it. But it was never lasting. Every feeling was overruled by guilt and pity.

I was sure that I was responsible for his vile side. Particularly in the years after the breakdown of the marriage. I had told him that I hadn't loved him and asked him to leave. Surely I should understand how he felt and that his rage being vented in my direction was justified. His erratic behaviour I blamed on stress and illness rather than his bad character, which of cause was stress brought on by me. I made allowances and forgave him too quickly for his actions, until it got to a point when I realised that I couldn't go on feeling to blame forever. That he should take responsibility for his own actions and that myself and the kids shouldn't be forced into feeling the way we did.

I still have him stuck in my life. He is an underlying disease that I can never rid myself of. He stays on the sidelines, festering away and I find it increasingly difficult to stop him having an affect on me.

He gets the bare minimum of me. No small talk, no consideration. He gets what I am forced to allow him and not a drop more. I dislike having to make eye contact with him and my skin crawls every single Saturday when for those few minutes, I have to be in his presence.

I'm annoyed at myself for letting him upset me today. A phone call was needed for some trivial arrangements followed by two more controversial topics that needed to be discussed. The vileness commenced...

Afterwards, sitting on my bed crying, I realised that I hated him. A nasty, evil burning inside of me wishing he would feel pain or hurt. Wishing nothing but badness for him, a life of misery. I think I became more upset by my thoughts rather than how he had made me feel.

I don't think he brings anything extra to the lives of our children. I don't feel they are better off for the contact they have with him. I hope in time they will realise that it was a forced contact and I tried my best to make others understand what he had put us through.

After reaching out to R in floods of tears, she vented with me on the phone, called him every name on the sun, tried to see things from his perspective, then realised that she couldn't and managed to find a few more names to insult him with, I felt better.

We have talked about revenge before now. Myself not being as vicious or vindictive as she. My revenge ideas were plausible such as tipping off the police when I suspect he driving with my children in the car whilst being over the legal limit of alcohol. Or investigating his extra earnings that he doesn't declare and highlight this to the Child Support Agency or Tax Office when he is claiming his lack of wealth and incapability to financially support his children. R's revenge is more, shall we say, "bunny-boiler," things that you would find on a late night talk show hosted by the Springer fellow.

But talking about the act of revenge always makes me feel better, realising that in-order for me to carry out these actions I would have to sink down to his nasty level, which is a place I am not willing to travel. I remind myself of how I believe in karma. It's just a phrase I latch on to in the hope that some mystical force will eventually find time in it's schedule to right all the wrongs he has caused to us.

Today was slightly different though. He made me reach a point where, truthfully, I wished him dead. I wished him pain first, then a violent death. Luckily it took R about 3 minutes to change my train of thought and I realised the worst kind of pain I could cause him. Pain he didn't even realised would hurt so badly. Pain that I hadn't even caused but was his own doing.

Pain will come when he looks into our lives as an outsider, a stranger, as my children, on their own terms slip away from him and towards my OH.

When he is older or lonely and he will think about how his son would rather spend time with another man than his biological father

When he realises that his daughter is on the arm of her Step-father as she walks down the aisle, he will feel it.

He will no longer be able to blame me even though he will most likely try. I can't manipulate the children into loving another person as they already do with my OH.
As they grow older, they will grow away from him. Not because of lies from their mother, but because they see for themselves. They look at him and they remember.

Anger, hatred, pity or guilt are feelings that will vanish and I will be left feeling nothing about him, as empty, as his life will be. That's when I know that the balance is right again, that he is finally paying the consequences for his actions.