Different Parts

Part of me wants to gloat. I've overcome my obstacles and rebuilt my life. Now I have the newborn daughter with the new husband.

Part of me isn't so mean. Plus, I can't really gloat anyway because this weekend has been challenging with OH. Maybe not challenging but at least disappointing and confusing.

I've been a really good friend today, to people that haven't necessarily deserved it.

I wish in my time of need that someone had come to see if I was okay, hadn't just turned up for the gossip or to smugly pass judgement. I offered the old-best-friend a weekend break at mine. To escape our hometown. For her to bring her three children to stay with my family, throwing the kids in one room for a fun-filled, popcorn-filled evening, whilst we drink enough to feel confident that our version of Poker Face on SingStar is better than Lady GaGa.

No questions would be asked about the state of her marriage or her plans for the future. She wouldn't have to feel embarrassed or failing. She could just drink some more, play on the giant garden trampoline with me and talk about the weather.

Part of me really feels sorry for her as she loves her horrid husband completely. Part of me thinks it's for the best and that she deserves better.

Feeling sad, I drove home along the same route that used to give me butterflies. The journey to his house all that time ago. The chevrons on the motorway still start the swirling feeling. By the time I saw the green lit hotel sign, shining next to the motorway, I knew I was nearly with him.
Tonight I wanted to walk straight into his arms, feeling lucky that I am not in the same position as my friends. But he spoke too soon and said the wrong thing.

Part of me hopes she does come to spend time with us.

Part of me thinks it's as much for my sake as hers.

Slightly Miffed

5 ish years ago my first marriage broke down.

A shock to all, neither of us having given a hint of any troubles or woes. 

It had been my decision to end it and even though he fought the inevitable every step of the way, he finally conceded and accepted I no longer loved him, eventually leaving our home, for me to begin a new life.

None of my friends or family knew about his dark side and the troubles we had experienced. Predictably, I struggled to convince them why I had ended a 9 year relationship after he visited EVERYONE to explain my obvious breakdown and mental unstability, not to mention my post-natal depression and my internet use. He was a victim and I was a selfish, bored adulteress that would rather be in chat-rooms or stealing money from his bank account, than be a mother to his children.

In reality, he was controlling and abusive. 

I lost most of my family and virtually all of my friends and became the talk of the playground. This was enhanced by the anonymous letters detailing my bad parenting (also my substance abuse and prostitution) that kept finding their way to the school headmistress. Luckily she saw the malicious intent and didn't call social services.

I used to be the perfect stay-at-home "soccer mum,"with the perfect children and the perfect marriage... I was deputy-chair of the PTA for christsakes and then everyone turned their back on me.

Even close friends whispered about me, when I started working full-time leaving my poor children with a child-minder!! Crime of the century!

One of my best friends stopped talking to me all together, just one day, she stopped. One day I was her bridesmaid-to-be wearing a vile gold concoction that made me look like an Oscar, the next minute she looked the other way when I walked past.

I didn't even have the energy to ask why.

I worked hard, determined not to claim any kind of financial support and luckily found a job I loved, that powered my confidence and gave me some wonderful new friends.

I often wondered about the best mate that abandoned me. I couldn't understand why she made comments to other mutual friends about how I "dumped" my children with a child-minder and became a "slut" when I started dating again.

I mean, she was the one claiming she was a single parent registering her fiancée at another address. She was using her wages from her waitress job (on the side) and her income support to pay for her upcoming wedding. 

I moved on in every sense.

Thanks to Facebook we have made contact again over the past year and with the help of mutual friends we have seen each other on a few occasions.

I was shocked to see her FB status updates the other day. She seemed really down and could maybe use company? Luckily I was back in my home town with the mutual best-mate. We called to check on her and were startled by the news.

She and her husband of three years, have separated. He has already moved out. There are no more details as of yet but mutual best-mate began to speculate.

Mutual best-mate never turned her back on me but she disapproved of my lifestyle greatly. I didn't care and was grateful that she told me to my face, then carried on being my, much needed friend.

She told me of how old-best-friend was on anti-depressants, as was she. How they were both unhappy with their marriages; sex lives over, no love between them and their partners etc. How they both were fed-up at home, bored of their lives, felt no achievement or satisfaction and longed for the confidence to go to work full time.

I felt so angry.

For such a long time I felt so judged, so wrong, such a failure. And it was people I cared about making me feel this way. 

Turns out it was jealousy, maybe fear.

I'm guessing though, that they will require my support during their time of need. Especially as I have been through it all and can offer guidance.

"Wishful thinking" springs to mind...

Reply to Methemanandthebaby

After following a fair few new folk on Twitter and realising they all have Blogs, I spent most of my weekend browsing them and getting up to speed.

I read a post that I really empathised with and absolutely wanted to comment on but

a) for some reason, couldn't due to lack of technical ability and

b) had so much to say that I wasn't sure how to condense it down.

www.methemanandthebaby.com "online-friends"

The inspiring article is linked above.

There is a certain stigma about online relationships of any sort and have always felt slightly embarrassed to admit to "real world" friends that I have cyber ones. After giving birth 4 weeks ago, I was astonished that the ladies following me,  on my fairly new Twitter account, were more interested, more supportive and more engaged about my pregnancy/newborn than any of my "real world" friends on my Facebook or than my family.

Mingled in with the "real" ones on FB are a few of my oldest "cyber" ones. The cyber ones being the "friends" that I can actually be myself with and say WHATEVER is on my mind. They have moved with me as my choice of social networking has developed, starting out as a random in a chatroom, moving to Myspace with me then finally committing on a proper friendship on FB! I have met some in the real world, but Facebook comes pretty close I think.

I remember feeling strange when I first accepted a friends request, from someone with an actual name (fore and sur) rather than RHChillibabe79  as I had previously known her and then ransacking her profile to see pictures of her family, friends and colleagues. All her anonymity vanishing within minutes.

I'm straying far from the point I wanted to make but in agreement with the lovely lady I have linked you to up there *points towards top of post,* I too have moved to a new town where I know very few people.
 I also lost a majority of friends when I left my ex-husband-that-hasn't-died-in-a-car-crash. The remaining few either live in my hometown and they are not the type of friends I can 'fess anything to or are newishly acquired from returning to work after ex-husband-t-h-d-i-a-c-c and are young, free and single. They too are super smashing and I am grateful they are in my life, but I can't talk relationships and babies etc with them.

But this wonderful world wide web gives me the ability to befriend to my hearts content. But best of all, it gives me access to such a variety of people that I wouldn't necessarily have in the real world.

I already feel a slight panic that one of the ladies who I enjoy reading on Twitter is actually on a secret account and may revert back to her normal one shortly. What if I never get to read her Tweets again! I feel connected to her now after following her life for the past few months and her interacting with me and commenting on mine.

So to all the scaredy-cats out there, who dismiss the validity of net friends because they don't understand the value and think they have sufficient "real world" friends, I put to you...That you are not yet lucky enough to have discovered a random font that makes a difference to your life!

After all, a few years ago, receiving a random, (slightly pervy) email on FaceParty resulted in baby 4!

I met OH on the internet :)

Not that we tell anyone, well I don't. None of my friends or family know we met online. When asked by strangers last Friday during the Peter Kay gig, neither of us had the nerve to admit the truth and told them we were introduced by a friend.

Yes, our friend the Interweb!

I guess I am lucky to have an OH that understands my usage of the net and doesn't ridicule my interaction with nameless individuals who's opinions I look forward to and rely on.

I'll Be There For You...

Yesterday was much needed but I'm not sure how real it was. Two friends came to visit. My former best friends from a life gone by. One I have always been in contact with and another decided to disown me when I left C.

There was no explanation for her abandonment, no reason that I could put my finger on, but she seemed to treat me with utter contempt and disapproved of my lifestyle after C. Maybe now I am married and having another baby I have become safe to associate with again.

It's extremely isolating here. I don't know anyone at all apart from a few to say hello to. No one to pop round for a coffee, no one to socialise with on a night out. Actually I tell a lie, last summer I went on a night out with a vague acquaintance while the boy was on holiday. It felt slightly weird and a little guilt inducing. She was a female that I had been introduced to by a work colleague, that I invited into a threesome with my then fuckbuddy.

Even though she is female, it still felt slightly wrong going on a night out with her while he was in a different country. Not that anything would have happened and he knew who I was out with, it was strange to say the least.
I didn't continue the friendship with her after the night out as she is even more unhinged than I. Not someone I would care to socialise with when sober. Perhaps after the baby I could go out dancing and drinking with her again, but not at the moment.

His friends are a tad odd. I'm not too sure they know what to make of me and I'm pretty sure they don't hold much interest in being in my company. Every time they visit our home I gatecrash the "party," knowing full well I should really go to bed and leave the boy to have time with his circle, but so in need of conversation that I lurk about instead.

I have a slight plan though. One I shall not go into yet for fear of the boy seeing. Not that it is a naughty plan that needs to be kept away from him. It is being kept away from him as a surprise.
Another plan is to force myself into situations where I have to interact with new people. This is actually fairly easy after having a baby. I shall become a babyclub junkie, introducing myself to anyone that will listen to me, letting all know how new I am to the area and how lonely I am, whilst attempting to be bubbly and entertaining.
This is how I made friends with the original two that came visiting yesterday and it works quite well. Maybe in a few months I will have a new circle here? I hope so because I badly need it.

You, me and your ego...lets do lunch!

Slowly I'm remembering why I can't abide being around my family. Not my unit of course, but the siblings, parents and grandparent. I face being enclosed with them for four days and I am fearful for the scrap of insanity I have.

Tomorrow eve I shall not only be in the company of my bestest bud, but in the company of a public house full of random strangers. Can I face loud music and drunken fools? Most likely not!

I don't think R was too amused with my rantings over the office skank either. As if I would entertain the suggestion of socialising with her! I have no issues with promiscuous females and used to proudly wear the whore badge myself, but at least I used to admit my craving for sexual adventures instead of claiming purity. Maybe that's why I am so offended by her, having a similar path to my old pavement yet she denies it as if something to be ashamed of. Her thick scouse transvestite voice doesn't ease the situation either, or her lack of intelligence. It's pretty safe to say that if she turns up, like I suspect, I shall be vacating speedily, even if it offends R.

My second issue of the day is the craziness of celebrating somebody getting voluntary redundancy (who clearly deserved to be fired rather than paid off) using their new found funds and freedom to go on an extended holiday. Yes, it's nice for him to go globe-trotting, yet I don't feel it deserves a meal/night out with a crowd that won't bother turning up tomorrow to celebrate the boy's stag do.

I don't understand how the boy can be so carefree about it, as I am highly miffed. I suppose I take it personally as

a) I'm pretty sure that couples will be going for the meal and shocker...I'm not invited and

b) They don't want him to marry me, well in particular, his best pal doesn't.

 Maybe it's jealousy on his part, that his friend is settling down and he can't find a relationship or maybe he simply detests me, either way, life goes on while he goes travelling.