Losing

I've pretty much cried every day for the past erm, 6 weeks? Maybe more, maybe less.

My eyeballs hurt and I can barely see any more. Infact, I can't really hear too well either. Think my senses are shutting down.

Will have to ask for help tomorrow. The health visitor is coming for the first time. I shall have to unleash on a stranger and beg her to try and fix me. Between sobs and wiping away the snot, I shall try to convince her that it's not post natal depression, but the result of a difficult few years.

I can't find a way to correctly ask my husband for help in a way that he understands and doesn't feel threatened by.

Can't get a word in edgeways to ask my friend for help.

I'm not even sure who can help me.

I just want to feel safe and loved. No doctor or health visitor will be able to do that. Only my OH I guess. He doesn't want to and doesn't know how to though.

It's an epic fail of a situation

Fail

Well, the big row happened.

I accused him of not making enough effort, not that he wasn't capable of things, just that he couldn't be bothered.

He accused me of being a manipulative, lazy, selfish, sex obsessed, bad parent and dumb bitch, a basic all round failure.

I think I've just hit rock bottom again as I did 4 years ago.

Sea Of Trouble

A hopeless void of despair is the pit I find myself sobbing in, rather than the excited, nervous, bride to be, who is looking forward to her future of endless positive possibilities. I have proven yet again to be a "fuck up" and if there was an ounce of selflessness in me then I would allow him to escape the up coming nuptials. Not that he would opt out. He is far too responsible to refuse marrying his pregnant girlfriend and risk disappointing his future step-children, so  I would have to take measures into my own nail bitten, shaking hands. Can I allow him to stand by my side and commit to being my "partner in crime" (or after today, "partner in fraud") knowing that I will drag him down with me?
My faults are never through bad intention, I hope to think it's a case of bad luck or bad judgement. Ideally I would like to think of my situation as "things just going wrong," and in the karma stakes, eventually,  I would deserve for things to go right. Maybe I'm in denial and that really, I'm like a character from a film, a sort of natural disaster, a hurricane of negativity, a force of fuckedness. Maybe I am getting exactly what I deserve now, that all this badness is a result of my past. That there was a period of me being such an evil person, yet I just don't remember due to selective amnesia, and I will face stressful eternity as punishment. The problem is, do I bring everyone else along for the ride?
Maybe I am feeling particularly low, maybe money shouldn't have such an impact in my life, maybe my hormones are just smothering my rationality or maybe I feel guilty for absolutely everything beyond my control. I just feel a storm brewing...
Not a row, nor argument of volume, more of a complete solo release. My atmosphere is definitely disturbed, the opposing feeling of wanting to celebrate love, family and future conflicting with the dread of potential stresses and fear of being hurt is causing the pressure to rise.
Maybe my internal violent destructive side will erupt, my body and mind will spin and soar, wail and bolt until all that is left is the calm...
...floating in a silent pool of emptiness with all energy expelled seems rather appealing.
The only thing to consider now is do I give the storm warning to others and hope they will listen? Allow them to evacuate and hope they will return as part of the rescue operation?