Forgive Him? I Think Not

It made me cry in the car today when I thought of the past nine months and how difficult they had been. The one golden shining prize was the baby being born and this happy time of newness as a family.

A happy time that should be precious and memorable but instead has been ruined and filled with sadness.

Maybe for him it is all smoking related. His withdrawal and frustration is being taken out on us. He did have the nerve to blame me for not being supportive of him quitting, despite the fact he hasn't been supportive of me quitting, or giving birth or suffering with quinsy or struggling with breast feeding, hormones, fear of coping and not having a routine, retard ex-husband issues, anything and everything that is hitting me at the moment. I can hardly agree he has been even slightly supportive of me.

I intended on quoting from texts sent by him, to highlight with examples how hurtful things have been but I would only cry if I had to look back through them.

On occasion over the last 2 weeks I have been filled with hatred for him. Yet I seem to be the one that gives in, that makes an effort, that hugs him, that allows general chit chat.

I alternate between wanting to leave while he is working, to staying and making him tea. To trash his precious electrical belongings to try to affect him, but instead I wash and iron his clothes. I lay in bed crying a few nights ago, yet when I went out for food, I still brought him some. I want to go out and fuck someone else to hurt him, but he would probably just feel relieved.

Yet again, this morning I have cried twice because of him but have still text him to see what time his break is so I can take him a breakfast treat.

I'm pathetic. He hurts me and I do things that show him I am allowing him to continue doing it.

But I don't think I will forgive him for wrecking my special time over the last 2 weeks. Ever

Mini Blog 2

Paternity is over. Instead of feeling well rested and ready to take on the world with my new bundle of joy, I feel mentally and physically drained, a tad petrified and fairly sad.

The last two weeks should have been perfect and memorable. The have been tainted and spoiled.

So Again, What Happens Next??

Fuck knows!!

I'm guessing that his ideal is to forget the last few days have happened. Not mention any of it and cautiously ease back into our normal routine by increasing general chitchat and politeness, progressing to hand holding on the sofa by evening.

I'm swinging towards the thought that too much damage (most likely mentally, and to me) has been done.

I would at this point rather leaves, live as a failure who would be constantly pining for him than stay and have him attack me verbally again where it hurts the most.

He says I am mentally ill, just like Chris did. Maybe I am, maybe I shouldn't be looking after children, maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship but be sectioned somewhere safe?

What I don't get is...if I am blatantly ill, visibly to him, why does he try to crush me further? Is he trying to push me over the edge? If someone I loved was standing in front of me crying and I was genuinely concerned about their mental health, I don't think I would start reeling off their flaws and insecurities.

What do you do if you ate attracted to someone that isn't attracted to you? Or they don't love you in any other way than a platonic love? If you can't even be friends and sit and talk?

Surely it is time to call it quits?

Sadness

It's a painful experience when the person you love SO much takes great pleasure in agonisingly attacking every weakness and vulnerability you have. Even more painful, when they show no remorse after they calm down.

Fail

Well, the big row happened.

I accused him of not making enough effort, not that he wasn't capable of things, just that he couldn't be bothered.

He accused me of being a manipulative, lazy, selfish, sex obsessed, bad parent and dumb bitch, a basic all round failure.

I think I've just hit rock bottom again as I did 4 years ago.

How Many Jogglers Can I Smash?

Okay, so we didn't row, we just are not speaking.

To add to my anger, OH was worried last night, huffing and puffing as he looked at his bank statement, concerned about how his funds seemed to have disappeared over the last few days. My sleep was actually affected by this last night as I seem to dwell on anything possible to stress about during the night. I even transferred extra money into his bank today to hopefully make him feel better.
Never do I comment on what he spends his money on, particularly if it is some kind of gadget or electronic, technical thing as I know how important they are to him. I would never talk him out of spending money on a new phone, camera etc.

However I arrive home still mid text row to find a new Joggler in his hand. Bear in mind that we have a Joggler that sits unused in the kitchen already. (shrugs)

I can't even talk to him at the moment because I know all kinds will pour out and I haven't got the energy to spend the evening in tears. I've already cried twice today because of him.

Think the most sensible thing to do is stay alone downstairs (he has invaded my own quiet space in the bedroom) and think about anything other than my anger or the pain I am in with contractions.

A Rock And A Hard Place

Crying yet again, but not through hormones or impatience this time. I feel, I guess, a bit of a victim today. Like I have been royally taken the piss out of by all. Although, I cant actually see it from the other sides too, which is mighty logical and rational of me considering my current pregnancy brain.

I've been determined not to argue with OH since the wedding and we have pretty much achieved it apart from the odd spat of silence when one of us felt the need to sulk before quickly coming around. I've found it a struggle the last few weeks to bite my tongue on a few occasions, but with the thought of ending all the arguing at the front of my mind, have managed to muddle through.

Maybe it's all about to come to a head.

It's suddenly dawned on me that nobody in my household actually listens to a word I say. In fact, it extends further than my household.

I guess it starts with the mess my home is in. Finding tiny bits of energy to try to clean for the new arrival to have the place trashed within minutes by kids, OH or pets is devastating.

OH complains about the kids making a mess, which is justified, but then when you scan the room as he is having a go at them, there are a hundred items of his that have been dossed. I kept my mouth shut.

The poor kids are having to look after themselves the majority of the time due to my lack of parenting skills whilst feeling ill. I'm grateful they are so independent and surely cannot complain when they leave cereal bowls all over the place or I find newly clean clothes, unworn back in the dirty washing basket. I'm worried that he sees them as a bind and I wish that he could see how some of my friend's children behave so he can appreciate that, although they are messy sometimes, they are pretty great.

I do try to talk to them about being considerate and caring for our home. I just get vacant looks and I can't decide if the are blanking me out because I'm a nag, or they just think I have a nerve to expect any more of them.

The pets are now officially cracking me up. I have cried the last two days because of the dog and today because of the cat.

The kids not being allowed to eat near the laptop which dominates the living room, or in the conservatory, which contains the desktops, cannot use the kitchen table. Despite trying to reclaim this so many times, this has become the cat's domain, where they sleep, eat and drink.

I have cats roaming the bedroom as I try to sleep, waking me regularly through the night. Cat's seem to have access to sleep wherever they please and leave cat hair over EVERYTHING. This seems not to bother OH but stresses me beyond belief.

The dog is just a nightmare, which is completely my fault. I campaigned to get him against my husband's wishes and it's gotten to the point where I think all of the household hate him.
I feel so guilty as he is confined alone to the kitchen for the majority of the day and the only interaction he gets with us, we are screaming at him for his misbehaviour. I don;t know what to do as I surely can't get rid of another pet. But I don't know how long I can cope any more.