What I Tried To Say...

But you wouldn't listen.

I have dragged my children up over the last few years and they have trusted me every step of the way.
I broke up their family and made their father leave home. I took away the option for them to see him every day.

They watched and listened to my marriage crumbling, seeing and hearing things that children shouldn't, causing them nightmares about my safety.

They didn't blame me when they got un-invited to parties and became the "talked about" kids of the school

They didn't complain when they had to give up ballet, tap, hip-hop, drama, horse riding, football and swimming lessons when I had to go to work full-time and leave them with a child-minder instead.

They didn't breathe a word about their clothes looking worn and feeling smaller when I struggled to buy them any new belongings.

Even though they couldn't hide their disappointment at missing school fayres, birthday parties, and school discos etc due to my tiredness or being stuck at work, they didn't hold it against me.

They didn't compare their new birthday and Christmas budget with their previous years.

They didn't complain when their home was repossessed and they had 24 hours to find and move into somewhere new.

They helped pack up the old house, unpack at the new, then pack up again 2 months later and unpack at yours.

They trusted me when I asked them to move in with you, in another town, away from their friends and family.

They didn't even moan about the daily two hour commute to school for six months because they could see how happy I was.

They embraced moving to a closer school and didn't try to make me feel guilty about leaving their school friends.

Even though a little scared, they made new friends and started a child-minder, putting on brave faces.

They have fed themselves by packing their own lunch, making their own breakfast and tea, put themselves to bed and pretty much organised their own lives, understood me missing all of their school plays and assemblies, due to my incapability while suffering through pregnancy.

Even when they are frightened when we argue, they allow me to reassure them that I am safe,that you are safe.

They know when I feel tired, or sad and offer to help or hug me.

They were excited about us getting married and desperately want your surname too, despite knowing how infuriated their father was about the suggestion.

They accepted you as part of their family and love you completely.

They love their new baby sister and haven't shown a scrap of jealousy or need to adjust.


These are the reasons that will make me defend them against any slightly negative comment,  why I feel so proud and privileged to be their parent, why I will champion them at any opportunity, why I can sometimes appear lax with discipline, why I constantly explain to you, how well behaved they are compared to other children, why I take the blame for anything they do wrong and most importantly...

...why I don't care about the muddy shoe prints on the dashboard of the car.

Feline Violation

So angry am I, at the event I have just witnessed.

Several weeks ago during the wee small hours, there was a cat based commotion. Our male tomcat Charlie charged up the landing yowling and banged into our bedroom door. OH and I had been drifting off to sleep but both definitely heard two cats scrapping. When OH opened the bedroom door, Charlie ran in and hid behind the curtains. We had assumed initially that he had been fighting with Dude.

Dude is our female cat. She is a beautiful, slutty, Persian cross and seems to have the attention of every male cat in our road. We have a massive amount of cats in our road and they are seemly all male. Our garden is the equivalent of a meat market nightclub. They all seem to be vying for her affection and we regularly find "gifts" of dead mice about the place.

After further investigation, Dude was nowhere to be found and couldn't have been in the house fighting with Charlie. We suspected another cat. Dude had just had her third litter of kittens. Could another cat come into the house to attack them?
The kittens had been moved from their nest in the living room and placed behind the sofa. Dude eventually came in through the kitchen window. We decided that she must have chased off another cat.

A similar thing happened again. Commotion during the night.

We have always had the odd bout of cat yowling and howling during the night outside our bedroom window followed by scuffling, but it seemed to increase that week.

I have never been a massive fan of Charlie and find him incredibly badly behaved but two weeks ago when I came downstairs to the living room and inhaled...I could have literally killed him.

On a day that the midwife was due, as were two of my friends from home to visit the baby, the whole house smelt of urine. He had sprayed everywhere! The hall, downstairs toilet, landing and living room. All the baby's stuff (carseat, moses basket stand etc) had to be taken away and aired. OH and I had to move every bit of furniture and disinfect it all. We used a full bottle of Dettel on the living room. I had 30 minutes before my friends arrived.

I was totally devastated. The smell is still here 2 weeks later. It's faint, but it's here. I have to apologise and explain to everyone that comes to the door. Charlie and Dude have been banished to the conservatory and as punishment the day after the house spraying, I took them both to be neutered.

The conservatory now stinks of cat urine. My OH and I have been bickering over the cats and If I'm honest, I have come very close to rehoming them. OH has suspicions though, that something untoward is going on. He investigated the origin of the smell in the conservatory and it is coming from his desk. The two PC monitors have sticky stains on and have been sprayed on. I was repulsed.

Sat here Tweeting I have just glimpsed through the patio window into the conservatory and seen Charlie wandering across the computer desk. Then I saw him squat near the monitor and his leg slowly rise. As I feel the rage building in me (I cannot move to chase him as Indie is asleep on my knee) It dawns on me that Charlie is looking usually chunky.

It wasn't him. It wasn't him that has just violated my home with that disgusting smell. It was his doppelgänger. A cat that we have seen floating about every now and then that looks incredibly like him.

I sit in shock and just watch as the cat mooches out of the conservatory door into our garden. 5 minutes later, Charlie and Dude skulk in and sniff the area that has just been sprayed. They look at each other then flop onto the cushion on the floor in a deflated fashion. They must feel so violated too.

I feel so guilty!

I shall make it up to them!

I feel so angry!

I shall get revenge and halt this doppelgänger!