The List Of Needs

Due to our inability to discuss ANYTHING, I suggested a list, writing down how we are feeling, what we need from the other and what we need them to stop.

The rule is to be relevant and concise

Sex- this has been covered many a time in my blog so I don't need to go over old ground but work out what happens in future.
After having baby 3, I lost my ability to orgasm somehow and also lost any sensation. My confidence was pretty low and I felt really down about the thought of never enjoying it again. Luckily my partner at the time didn't pressure but was coaxing and supportive and with time, things improved. When we split up, it dawned on me that I would have to have sex with new people. Ihad total fear of being judged, of being useless, of being unable to satisfy anyone nevermind my self,
somehow it felt justified having sex with the father of baby 3, that even though my body was destroyed, I had made this massive personal sacrifice in order to have HIS baby, that his gratitude and support was the least he could give in return. Strangely, I never felt massively insecure with him after baby 3. I didn't mind being naked in front of him or try and hide my stretch marks or cringe at the state of my stomach. Theses were all hidden as much as possible with new people. It took ages to work on rebuilding my orgasm alone, even longer being able to cum with someone else, but I managed it. I used to feel guilty with someone new, that I wasn't good enough, that it mustn't feel very good for them. Like it was something I could help or have control of. A few times I have felt awkward and had to make a joke about my rubbish pelvic floor muscles and only once have I been ridiculed by another over it. (a married man that I had sex with on a few occasions decided he would no longer use a condom with me. When insisting he did, he told me, that I wasn't worth it, that he could hardly feel me with a condom on and I wasn't worth fucking if he had to wear one. I told him he wasn't worth fucking full stop.
So how do all of the above affect now?
Having no sexual confidence with the boy anyway, baby 4 isn't going to improve anything. I'm pretty sure firstly that I am numb down there and would be able to orgasm through masterbation. I'm even more sure that of we did have sex he wouldn't even be able to feel me. Add in the fact that I couldn't bear him touching my horrible body, oh and chuck in the lactation for good measure. Maybe in time we could have worked on it and my confidence could have returned if nurtured, but my husband has no desire to have sex with me, he didn't before baby 4, nevermind after. My worst fears were confirmed, it is all about me, even though he phrased it gentler than he could, but it appears I'm not "skinny" enough.
I don't blame him for the sex problem, I think we are both responsible somewhat, even though it seems to be me alone that tries to address it. I know I complain about him not satisfying me, but I know I don't satisfy him either. Sometimes I just freeze, lie there and do nothing, just through fear of how much of a chore he was finding it.

If I was nurtured and rebuilt slowly, I would happily try anything to please. I want the old role plays, I want to play games, dress up, please, perform, change whatever he needed me to change, hair colour, even be motivated to lose weight for him. But what is the point?

He won't tell me if it a) can be fixed or b) how it can be?

If two people are now sexually broken, is it time to just give up?

Could he have sex with other people? Is it just me he doesn't want?

What is a relationship without sex?