Calm Before The Storm

Warning: Expect typos due to current mood and IPhone usage!

After a tense few days of bad weather brewing, I'm awaiting the storm to hopefully clear the air.
I have issues with arguing at the moment for several reasons, one being my mental and emotional state, which isn't strong or healthy, due to the impending birth and two being the promise I made to myself around the time of the wedding to not row.

By dividing up the current problems I could maybe decide if they are worthy of heated debate.

Kids, sex, pets, housemess, OHs general attitude towards me.

I haven't until now been able to fault The Boy's acceptance of the children. For him, without much discussion, he moved in with us. There was no action plan on how everyone would get along, it just all seemed to flow along naturally. The last few weeks have been difficult and I have noticed changes in everybody.

I guess I'm concerned that the boy is feeling resentful towards the kids. I'm not sure if it is money related or if it is to do with the house, but there is a definite weirdness. The only interaction him seems to have with them is to have a go at them in a monotone patronising fashion. Of course there will be times when he tells them off etc but it shouldn't be the only time he speaks to them. I worry and suspect the kids are not happy when he is lecturing them about mess as they gaze around the room and can see his.
Also, I loved that that we were all a family and don't want OH to just a nag and the kids to get fed up of him. There has to be a balance.

To follow on, the baby arrives soon and normally it causes the other kids to be anxious about being left out. I accept, well I hope that OH will be loving with the baby but worry how the others will feel about it.

Sex, I'm not sure what more to add that hasn't been covered in previous posts. But I'm sure the situation is about to get worse after having the baby.
My confidence is now rock bottom and I'm frightened that between us, it's now unrecoverable.
How do I explain to my OH that our last sexual attempt made me so devastated that for a split second I thought about leaving. We struggle to talk about stuff in general, sex is even more difficult as his defences are up. The thing that pisses me off most is that from the beginning, I have been open and told him what I like and need and he did the same. I have willingly participated in his things despite them being erm, new to me (that's the best way to describe it) and even though they are his "thing," I love being involved. Or I did. He doesn't even do that anymore. He has never really attempted to do any of mine. Maybe a little at first but not now.
It's not even a case of lack of skills. Sometimes you know sex will always be hopeless but i actually thought that I had found a kinky, pervy little soulmate in him, but he simply can't be arsed with having sex with me. This surely has to be my fault.

I can't even be bothered at this late hour to discuss the other topics other than to share my dilema of the dog.

About an hour ago, I was told that Arnie has to go. Guess I have to start the rehoming process tomorrow. I'm such an all round failure at present

A Rock And A Hard Place

Crying yet again, but not through hormones or impatience this time. I feel, I guess, a bit of a victim today. Like I have been royally taken the piss out of by all. Although, I cant actually see it from the other sides too, which is mighty logical and rational of me considering my current pregnancy brain.

I've been determined not to argue with OH since the wedding and we have pretty much achieved it apart from the odd spat of silence when one of us felt the need to sulk before quickly coming around. I've found it a struggle the last few weeks to bite my tongue on a few occasions, but with the thought of ending all the arguing at the front of my mind, have managed to muddle through.

Maybe it's all about to come to a head.

It's suddenly dawned on me that nobody in my household actually listens to a word I say. In fact, it extends further than my household.

I guess it starts with the mess my home is in. Finding tiny bits of energy to try to clean for the new arrival to have the place trashed within minutes by kids, OH or pets is devastating.

OH complains about the kids making a mess, which is justified, but then when you scan the room as he is having a go at them, there are a hundred items of his that have been dossed. I kept my mouth shut.

The poor kids are having to look after themselves the majority of the time due to my lack of parenting skills whilst feeling ill. I'm grateful they are so independent and surely cannot complain when they leave cereal bowls all over the place or I find newly clean clothes, unworn back in the dirty washing basket. I'm worried that he sees them as a bind and I wish that he could see how some of my friend's children behave so he can appreciate that, although they are messy sometimes, they are pretty great.

I do try to talk to them about being considerate and caring for our home. I just get vacant looks and I can't decide if the are blanking me out because I'm a nag, or they just think I have a nerve to expect any more of them.

The pets are now officially cracking me up. I have cried the last two days because of the dog and today because of the cat.

The kids not being allowed to eat near the laptop which dominates the living room, or in the conservatory, which contains the desktops, cannot use the kitchen table. Despite trying to reclaim this so many times, this has become the cat's domain, where they sleep, eat and drink.

I have cats roaming the bedroom as I try to sleep, waking me regularly through the night. Cat's seem to have access to sleep wherever they please and leave cat hair over EVERYTHING. This seems not to bother OH but stresses me beyond belief.

The dog is just a nightmare, which is completely my fault. I campaigned to get him against my husband's wishes and it's gotten to the point where I think all of the household hate him.
I feel so guilty as he is confined alone to the kitchen for the majority of the day and the only interaction he gets with us, we are screaming at him for his misbehaviour. I don;t know what to do as I surely can't get rid of another pet. But I don't know how long I can cope any more.

Drought

Lying in bed last night, I managed to pluck up the courage to ask my husband to have sex with me. Courage was needed for fear of rejection and was that fear was justified. His response was lack-lustre and I could honestly feel myself sinking with humiliation and hurt.

Given him his due, he tried. He touched me for a few minutes, but wouldn't let me touch him. At first, thinking, just breathe, don't freak out, just ease into things. I have been desperate for sex for so long and now it could be about to happen. Thinking it was maybe paranoia that his hand was blocking mine from touching him, I moved position. My concerns about him not wanting to partake were confirmed when he turned his body and lay on his front, again, so I was unable to touch him.

I guess I just froze. Even though he was finally touching me and I would have happily melted away and let him continue, I just froze, lying still thinking how to get his hands off me.

I turned away in the end, chanting over and over, "Do NOT cry," I just felt heartbroken.

Wondering if it was worth an argument, or whether to storm off to the sofa to cry alone, I realised that the tears wouldn't come out anyway.

What am I supposed to do?I can hardly blame him for not wanting sex with me as surely it's my fault.
It could be pregnancy related or maybe he just doesn't enjoy it or feel attracted to me any more. I think we have had sex a grand total of 5 times since we married which was 8/9 weeks ago and I am panicking that it could be awhile after having the baby that I am ready again for sex.

Do I confront him? Do I wait until after the baby? I know I can't survive without sex and I don't know what my alternatives are.

For Some Reason, I Cannot Cry

At this moment I want to curl up and die, or at the very least, curl up and sob.

Despite how devastated I feel and despite due to hormones, having the ability to cry at any given second, no tears are appearing.

Relying On Karma To Kick His Ass

Ex-husband-that-hasn't-died-in-a-car-crash, father of three of my children, is back with vengeance, like bile reflux, causing unwanted stresses and fear of what's to come.

Triggered by the children wanting to double-barrel their surname with my new married name has brought out his demonic side and reminded me of his capabilities.

22 days ...

Until I have a "Stretch and Sweep" which sounds absolutely delightful.

Never being able to give birth without assistance, for once, I just want the whole Hollywood/cinema labour where I am waddling around the supermarket or wake up during the night to bursting waters, followed by regular contractions. I want the excitement of calling the hospital to announce my immanent arrival, the chaos of finding childcare at stupid o'clock in the morning, the carrying of the hospital bags as I huff and puff and ouch and moan into the car.

I think I deserve it!

I am pinning too much hope on this procedure working, which deep down kind of know it won't. It's most likely going to be the case of a routine booking in to the induction suite at 41 weeks which is 34 days away!

I am trying as much as possible to get things moving along down below, with regular curries, masturbation/sex and even bouncing on the trampoline and I'm pretty convinced I have started dilating.

I just want my baby here now and I'm not prepared to make use of the remaining time by relaxing, sleeping or organising the house. I just want her here!

The Vision

So I haven't gained as much weight this pregnancy as I did with the other three, due to the level of sickness experienced, which has given me the motivation over the last few weeks to stop eating as much crap. Even when The Boy purchased a bag FULL of McDonald's, I proudly opted for a safe baked potato .

It seems obtainable to lose the baby weight pretty quickly and not such a massive hurdle as it was previously. Also with a surprise acquiring of money, I shall purchase some exercise equipment that I have never owned before to help with the shifting. I'm also hoping that by sharing the equipment with The Boy, that we can use it together and bond over healthiness.

It could even be feasible to lose the weight that I have put on since moving in with The Boy, which for some reason, piled on in the last year.

The biggest motivation of all shall be the wretched Wii Fit Mii icon. The despair I felt when after weighing me, it produced a dumpy barrel with my colouring, left me mortified.

This girl is going to work that Mii thin! Well, not thin, I shall never be thin and don't particularly want to be. But that Mii is going to be a whole world less dumpy!

Dumb and Dumber...It's getting worse

Normally, I adore blogging. Somewhere stored are pages and pages on a word document of hundreds of feelings from my roller-coaster couple of years. I have blogs on sites that I can't even remember, notes books that have been discarded most likely in the garage, with diary after diary entry that will never be viewed again.

This year I thought I would commit to a daily entry on here, but since being up the duff, I don't feel able to. Not through lack of time, which, lets face it, I have tonnes of, but due to my inability to string a sentence together the majority of the time.

I remember the days when I could correctly punctuate and would care enough to check my spelling and grammar ruthlessly. Such a distant memory is feeling alert with a slither of intelligence, confirmed by my panic when presented with a maths homework sheet by my seven year old son. Gazing down the page I realised that I was required to assist him with the spelling of the word "eighty." At that moment in time, I just couldn't locate in my mind the correct letters, never mind the order. Sat in my car outside the school gates (awaiting for the older two to finish) with my eyes filling up, feeling beyond ridiculous over a stupid word.

Why are my brain cells dying? Is it temporary dumbness? I don't remember it being this bad with my other pregnancies?

Not that I am claiming to be clever, particularly with words as I have always felt more comfortable in a world of numbers and patterns, but I coped with my previous level of ability.

What if it isn't pregnancy related? I have read articles on pregnancy brain being a myth!

Please tell me that in 22 days when I hopefully give birth, I shall go back to normal?

Ashamed

When Saturday night viewing used to contain Blind Date with good ole Cilla Black, I used to sit with my hands covering my eyes, cringing at the dregs of the not so Great British public, making complete spanners of themselves.
To some extent I feel the same when watching Big Brother, even though I find it addictive and don't miss an episode. The pleasure comes from sitting of the sofa, tutting and ridiculing the actions of individuals that clearly display no social skills or intelligence.

Yesterday I received THE chain-text mentioned in many papers today, surprisingly from my ex-husband, which made it seem even more bizarre, so had a browse online at the frenzy that seemed to ensue last night.

My feelings on the complete issue that is now a media hurricane, isn't relevant. I have a strong opinion that I stand by, but the disgust at viewing the opinions of others last night left me feeling total disappointed and angered that I share a world with such morons.

Looking at trends on Twitter last night left us in shock. Mob mentality ruled. I have visions of angry crowds trawling through the streets carrying torches, yelling threats and aiming to find their target, in order to publicly rip him into tiny pieces.

Playlists Galore

I've fallen in love with music all over again.

Since living in this house, I hardly listen, whereas previously, the first action of the morning was putting the IPod on.

Due to the natural urge to nest, my house is slowly gleaming with a Dettol sheen and the garden is a little less leafy. The boy having resurrected my dead IPod has provided me with play-lists that haven't filled my ears for TIME and it's providing the much needed motivation for my cleaning activities.

I crave songs that I haven't heard for awhile but instantly bring memories flooding back, songs that regardless how tired or heavy your body feels, you can't help but attempt to dance. Songs that you never forget the lyrics to and you don't care who hears you singing badly. Song's that instantly bring you down, or lift you up. Songs that make you love the person you love, that little bit more.

I'm resisting the urge to start listing songs on my blog as my Facebook is already suffering.

I'm just glad I found my way back, as I feel a better person when I hear the songs I love.