The Ick Factor

The Twilight saga is something that I am begrudgingly sharing with my children. In one respect I am loving visiting the cinema with the children, enjoying their excitement waiting for the films to release, watching trailers, looking for snippets of related gossip online, taking turns in reading aloud the books at bed-time but on the other hand...it's Twilight.

Compared to some of the dross they watch, it's not so bad. If it was just an ordinary film, I could cope and would consider it time better spent than watching Lizzie MacGuire, Hannah Montana or HSM but I'm just annoyed at the whole hype and hysteria that surrounds the film series.

My Facebook wall contains status update after group membership relating to the films or actors and I grimace with each comment, ANNOYED that adults are even entertaining this film aimed at children.

I purchased tickets for Saturday night and surprised them 20 minutes before the screening. Husband was left with pizza and chocolate supplies, oh and the baby. Off we went.

The film is certificate 12A and my children are seven, eight and ten, but I expected the cinema to be filled with teenagers down to kids the same age as mine. It was an incorrect assumption. There were far too many men in the cinema for a start. During a sold out screening of Sex And The City 2, my girlie mate and I counted a total of 6 men. We decided that 2 were boyfriends trying to score points for being currently in the dog-house and 4 were gay.
I forgave the Saturday dads taking their daughters to the cinema for a treat and I forgave the teenage boys who were accompanying girls they obviously want to feel up. But there were men in there, loads of them, too many to have been just going to get on the good side of their significant others.

We sat down with our assortment of popcorn, buckets of coke, Galaxy counters and funny crispy cracker things.We had two women in their forties on one side of us and a couple in their thirties the other side.
We giddily chomped away and ignored tuts and loud sighs from the large ladies to the left, who were obviously miffed that my little tribe had selected to sit near to their temporary base.

I kicked over the crispy crackers and Finn kicked over the popcorn. They tutted and exhaled some more.

It began...

The film itself is bearable. More scary and gruesome than the others and there were a few comedy moments this time, with one character giving some light relief. The fight scenes were entertaining but to sum it all up...

Sulky, sullen, miserable and pale Avril Lavigne with a large chin and small pouting mouth loves the Jedward vampire with the large forehead and incredibly terrible hair. Neither can act.
She becomes in danger and manages to manipulate a teenage boy/werewolf who also happens to be in love with her, into fighting to protect her. Everyone fights. The end.

I have missed out the section when Avril tries to convince Jedward to fuck her, but he declines wanting to wait until marriage. Avril tells her father that she is a virgin.

At this point my eight year old who hasn't yet learnt the concept of volume control, shouts over to ask "What's a virgin?"
I hurriedly try to shush her with "We will talk about it when we get home."
More adults tut, exhale and turn around. None of these adults have kids with them, even though they are watching a children's film derived from a children's book.

Junk food was eaten, the film was enjoyed, we left, we dissected and discussed in the car on the way home, then I fought to get them into bed as they were all exploding around me like bottles of pop, high on Twilight excitement, cola caffeine and E numbers.

But I'm missing out the ick.

The children looked at me when the audience, and when I say audience, I mean the grown women sitting in the theatre started to whoop, cheer, clap and coo when Jedward asked Avril to marry him. I was mildly panicked that I was sitting amongst "crazies" and the children appeared to have the same concern.

People clapped and gasped and ooo'd and awww'd during every kissing scene.

I had noticed the ADULTS wearing Team Edward or Team Jacob tee-shirts stating which teen character they would prefer to...?  I have no idea how to finish that sentence. I felt a bit yacky.

But the crème de la crème of disturbing was when Jacob, a school attending aged fifteen BOY (actor Taylor Lautner who started in the Twilight movies when he was merely sixteen but now eighteen) appeared topless on screen. The applause was rapturous, ADULTS got to their feet, there were wolf whistles and screams of delight.

I worried that people were masturbating around me.

If I had been in a cinema full of older men, whooping at Miley Cyrus removing her shirt then there would have been a major pandemonium, they would have been called paedophiles by the media and Linda Papadopoulos would be appearing on every daytime television show to discuss the decline of society. But why is it okay for women to fantasise over teenage boys?




I tried to block out the alarming, inappropriate behaviour I had witnessed but just as a precaution, removed from Facebook all my "friends" with Twilight obsessions. It's all a bit too kooky for me.

"The Best Gift You've Ever Received?

This post is the response to a question posed by HelenW71

"The best gift you've ever received?" 

This is a particularly strange topic for me and I’m not sure I can answer the question. I have discussed present giving with my female friends many times, one conversation taking place in front of my husband, leaving him slightly terrified.

I have fallen out of love over presents I have received.

Drastic but true.

Christmas Day, my face fell and I couldn’t hide my disappointment when I opened a Lightning Seeds Compilation CD. It wasn’t that I didn't like the band and would have preferred something different. It was the fact I had a HATRED for the Lightning Seeds This was December 1997 and was a gift from my Boyfriend of nearly five years (although we were young, our wedding was booked and we were marrying in the Bahamas, the following June.) I knew at that moment that he didn’t know me at all. That during the past four and a half years, he clearly hadn’t listened to anything I’d said. I knew that my love for him was now, from this moment, fading. We split up six weeks later.

Present disappointment goes back to childhood. I was fairly spoiled toy-wise due to being an only child, which gave a little more financial leeway for my parents and the fact that they went through a nasty few years during which, I did actually suffer, so out of guilt, presents and toys were handed to me freely, by parents and family around. I think I was the only 8 year old with 72 My Little Pony’s plus every possible building, kit or accessory available. I learned quickly to manipulate the guilt for any new purchase I needed so by the time Christmas or Birthdays came, the novelty had thoroughly worn off and there was nothing I wanted any more. 

 As I got older, being part of a single parent family, the money dwindled, so presents again, were longed for and I made sure that I allocated every scrap of my mum’s present budget on things I NEEDED rather than wanted, such as school shoes, toiletries and school trips. 

When the gifts were still bountiful I used to present hunt. I’ve always claimed to hate surprises, but I’m not sure that’s true. Maybe I like the mission of tracking them down, uncovering the hiding places and on one occasion, I found my presents already wrapped. I spent the afternoon, two weeks before Christmas, unwrapping them carefully, cutting along each piece of sellotape, looking at the contents, then skilfully re-wrapping and tossing them back into the Santa sack. I felt sick after I was finished, realising that I had in fact, spoiled my own Christmas day.

I’m equally as bad with the reverse, present giving. If I have a gift that I think someone will like, I have to tell them as soon as I buy it. Literally I get to the point of begging them to share, ruining the surprise, no matter how much they plead not to know. Now, I tend to buy everything as late as possible so I don’t announce to the kids a week before, what exactly they are getting of Father Christmas.

My Ex-Husband was shocking when it came to gifts. Two years running I received the same book for Christmas. One year I received various bubble baths, even though we only had a shower in our apartment. The final year, which included the duplicate book, I also got a travel guide of Spain (had no intention of visiting or general interest in Spain) a Craig David CD (can’t bear him and instantly had the Lightning Seeds flashback) and a Lemar CD. I had never expressed an interest in Lemar either, but I was always an Indie kid and this was an incredibly bizarre choice.

The worst present I received from him again, was a clincher. It was a massive smack of reality and once again, I knew things were falling irreparably apart. I can’t remember the occasion, possibly my birthday or maybe a wedding anniversary, we were already at a point of struggling within the relationship. I was teetering on the edge of depression and doubting every feeling or emotion. I was still at this point, attempting to try. I knew our relationship was awful and that I didn’t like how I was being treated but was prepared to work at things. I had explained my feelings and he had listened. This was a first, my opinions and thoughts were being considered and it was a step forward.

He asked me what I wanted as a gift. He said, if you could do ANYTHING, go ANYWHERE, where would it be? What would you do? I knew money wasn’t in abundance and have never required to be spoilt as an adult, so I made a suggestion.

If I could do anything or go anywhere, it would be the Natural History Museum in London. Financially, it wasn’t too extreme, we could just go for the day, spending money on petrol and parking but we could take a picnic. We didn’t need to spend much more.

As I was falling asleep one evening, for the millionth time, I told him why the Natural History Museum. It was the last memory I had of my parents being together, being part of a family. I think it was maybe their attempt at trying to fix things or giving one last try before separating, so it was a fairly emotional activity that I wanted to partake in. Also, during this one last family trip, I remember the life sized Blue Whale model suspended from the ceiling and the dinosaur exhibition, which was the set and story of the Disney film “One of Our Dinosaurs is Missing” which was a childhood favourite. I secretly hoped over the next few weeks that I would be whisked away to the capital for the day to visit this significant location.

During the meanwhile, we went to see Madonna in concert. Random you may think, nor relevant to the story? We debated for some time as the tickets were expensive, but concluded that we would pay the £90 each and go to watch her. She was an icon? And in years to come we may regret not going while we had the chance. The concert was great, really good and we both enjoyed it much more than we anticipated.

With a big smile on his face, he woke me one morning and handed me an envelope. Inside were tickets? I thought this was the moment. The moment I would find out when I would be going on my trip down memory lane to the Natural History Museum. But tickets? Maybe they were tickets for the London Eye or something, an added perk to experience whilst we were there.

Jaw to the floor, my mouth fell open and I felt my cheeks flush, trying to hide my utter devastation when I saw tickets for a flight to Paris, a hotel pamphlet and… Madonna concert tickets?

London had apparently never been considered and when I answered his original question of “If I could do ANYTHING, go ANYWHERE…” had been completely ignored. We were now going to watch exactly the same concert again but this time in Paris.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Paris, very much so, but I have been there a few times. City breaks had been achievable over the years we were together, whereas beach holidays abroad hadn’t. Paris was well outside our budget at this time and the first lot of Madonna tickets had been sheer luxury, a second lot, were unjustifiable.

I couldn’t even hide my disappointment for five minutes. The row started…

I left the house for a friend/neighbour’s for a coffee. She called me an ungrateful bitch as he had. She said he had made such a wonderful effort after I had complained about the Guide to Spain book and the bubble-bath. That this time he had “done good.” I felt vile. Maybe I was an absolute bitch?

 I had just wanted something that was a) massively cheaper and b) incredibly special. But yes, he had made an effort and we were going to Paris in two weeks.

I didn’t mention it when I arrived home and accepted that we were France bound and we should make the most of it, a chance to work on our fractured relationship.

We got lost on our way to the stadium and missed three-quarters of the Madonna concert but it was okay, this was a three day trip and we had arrived that evening, there would be plenty of things to do.  The next morning I ask of plans for the day? He looked at me and snipped aggressively. What are you expecting to do, he queried. I didn’t mind and was happy to go with flow, thinking he maybe had some predetermined idea. He nastily advised me that we had no money. That indeed the mortgage would bounce this month as he had spent the funds on this trip. I was devastated. 

That day we argued in the hotel, then argued some more near the Eiffel Tower and I cried an awful lot in a Parisian park. We had enough to eat the basics and to get us back to the airport, but that was it. I think the trip cost around £800. We never recovered after that and I knew I no longer loved him. No more effort was made from either side. I’m not even sure how long it was before we ended our marriage.

So when it comes to presents, it’s a risk to buy for me. If the item is not wanted, then I can’t help but think the buyer has no insight to who I am. Just like when my Dad bought me a watch one year. I guess he doesn’t know my fear of wearing watches and that I don’t want to continually know the time. That I don’t want to clock watch my life away and when I do refer to time, on a few occasions during the day, I would much rather seek out the information,, that having it attached like handcuffs to my wrist.

However, on the up side, the person that gets it right, well, that will be pretty special. Husband is aware of my gift fears and is pretty apprehensive about buying me stuff. He has been okay so far. A CD that was given to me for Mother’s day was a band I liked and one we had seen together, even though I thought a CD was pretty pointless as we could download it, I loved the idea that he had taken my children to the shopping centre and bought it with them as their gift to me. A safe bet at Christmas was the make-up and new cosmetic bag I received. This was something I had specifically asked for as when you are a parent of three, also rocking a bump, new make-up becomes a treat rather than an ordinary toiletry.

Please don’t misinterpret that I expect to be treated like a princess. I don’t have a monetary amount I think should be spent on me for each occasion and do firmly believe that the best things are free or at least fairly cheapish. I’m also crap at buying stuff for other people so I know how tasking and stressful trying to give something wonderful to another.

I could list wonderful thoughtful presents that would bring a tear to my eye and would mean the very world but for me, that’s not the point. The gift could be simple and pointless but special because of the significance or thought behind it.

The closest thing to a favourite gift would be the de-icer the husband gave to me a few years ago. We were casually seeing each other and I had already retired for the evening at his cottage. It must have been wintery and I had an early start in the morning, leaving his place for work, way before he would wake. When I went downstairs there was a can of de-icer by the front door waiting for me. I had been meaning to get some for weeks, cursing each morning at my absent-mindedness, as I used a CD to attempt to clear my windscreen, while my fingers froze.

It’s like Cinderella with her glass slipper, I will truly know I am with the right person when they give me the perfect gift.  

Maybe they already have. 

Maybe when Husband suggested another baby despite me not initially particularly wanting one, he was giving me the perfect gift? Maybe when I became pregnant, that was the perfect gift. Maybe it’s a gift I gave him right back, He wanted his own child and now the idea was planted, I was fully on board. Maybe Indigo is the perfect gift  we gave each other, the one I have been waiting for all this time.