A tiny bundle of fluff that looks like a fox cub, happens to be teething and chewing everything. Mostly my flesh, clothes and shoes.
He is currently inside a faux fur tent, rolling across the floor, like a tumble-weed in the wind. It's difficult for me to be angry with him when his actions are adorable.
Sometimes I wonder why none of our pets are normal? Okay, so the female cat is well behaved. She has a regal air about her and naughty behaviour seems beneath her.
The male cat is bizarre, with a human streak. Very antisocial towards me and goes out of his way to piss me off. His strangest of activities seemed to be while we were away at the wedding. This involved standing on the toilet and peeing off the side. Also crapping in the sink.
He despises the boy giving me attention and last time I was leaning over the toilet spewing, with the boy rubbing my back, he decided to jump on the vomit covered seat to get involved in the action.
The dog now has a fascination in urine, human urine and pops up against the toilet when the boy is standing in front of it to watch.
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Sinking Low
Okay, so I feel extremely guilty...
I managed to give up my twenty a day nicotine habit when I found out I was pregnant. But at 30 weeks I was craving a cigarette. I caved and am now smoking about 15 a day. I feel ashamed. I think the boy is disappointed with me and I know M is. She has been so stroppy with me.
I confessed to the doctor amidst floods of tears. She tried to console me explaining that the first and second trimester are the crucial ones and that in the third, it can cause lower birth weight and early delivery. Like that would be a deterent!
Leaving a pack of cigs in my car and running out of supplies in the house, the boy and I have just searched the vehicle without much success. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying about the spare pack, or maybe deluded, but the search continued in the house.
Close to tears, convinced I knew where I had left them, I gave up and had to wake M to ask her. She had hidden them in the car boot!
My guilt increases as her disappointment increases. At least I proved my sanity/honesty.
Why I am smoking? I'm unsure. Maybe due to the lack of sex or attention? Maybe boredom? Maybe I feel so poorly and at the end of my tether. Regardless of the cause. I feel fucking awful.
I managed to give up my twenty a day nicotine habit when I found out I was pregnant. But at 30 weeks I was craving a cigarette. I caved and am now smoking about 15 a day. I feel ashamed. I think the boy is disappointed with me and I know M is. She has been so stroppy with me.
I confessed to the doctor amidst floods of tears. She tried to console me explaining that the first and second trimester are the crucial ones and that in the third, it can cause lower birth weight and early delivery. Like that would be a deterent!
Leaving a pack of cigs in my car and running out of supplies in the house, the boy and I have just searched the vehicle without much success. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying about the spare pack, or maybe deluded, but the search continued in the house.
Close to tears, convinced I knew where I had left them, I gave up and had to wake M to ask her. She had hidden them in the car boot!
My guilt increases as her disappointment increases. At least I proved my sanity/honesty.
Why I am smoking? I'm unsure. Maybe due to the lack of sex or attention? Maybe boredom? Maybe I feel so poorly and at the end of my tether. Regardless of the cause. I feel fucking awful.
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Monday, 22 February 2010
Forget Myself
I miss my former energy levels.
I miss feeling so hyper that I have to do something to expel some of it and try to calm myself down.
My body just doesn't want to cooperate any more and when I occasionally feel emotionally motivated to perform a task, I end up puffing and panting in anticipation.
It's not just physical either as my head feels like marshmallow. I seem to have lost concept of time, sense of direction and the ability to think.
My memory is failing me constantly.
Writing has never been my strength, but looking back over my blog posts, I seem to have gone backwards back about 20 years. Normally I find comfort in numbers, numbers never fail me, or didn't until I tried to help with M's (age 9) maths homework.
I am hoping that in 44(ish) days, I go back to normal.
I miss myself
I miss feeling so hyper that I have to do something to expel some of it and try to calm myself down.
My body just doesn't want to cooperate any more and when I occasionally feel emotionally motivated to perform a task, I end up puffing and panting in anticipation.
It's not just physical either as my head feels like marshmallow. I seem to have lost concept of time, sense of direction and the ability to think.
My memory is failing me constantly.
Writing has never been my strength, but looking back over my blog posts, I seem to have gone backwards back about 20 years. Normally I find comfort in numbers, numbers never fail me, or didn't until I tried to help with M's (age 9) maths homework.
I am hoping that in 44(ish) days, I go back to normal.
I miss myself
Friday, 19 February 2010
The Old Bubble
I miss the bubble cottage sometimes...
Not that I don't love how things have changed and what we have now but it would be bloodly lovely to escape back to the bubble every now and then. Even if it was recreated in some way. I loved the laziness of it. The journey there gave me butterflies and my stomach used to somersault when I hit a certain part of motorway, seeing a particular green light on one of the buildings, knowing I was a few minutes away. Parking the car, feeling giddy as I walked towards the front door.
I used to feel frustrated, that I never quite knew where I stood, what was happening, how he was thinking. But it was a good feeling, edgy, unsure and it held my interest, which was rare at that time.
He was so much more open with sex then, more creative, more relaxed with a higher labido. I miss that.
Now I have affection. He has been kissingmy forehead and stroking my hair. Holding my hand as we, well he, has fallen asleep in bed. I love that. But just for tonight, I would have prefered him to run his fingers along my hip, sliding them into my kickers as he whispers to me.
Not that I don't love how things have changed and what we have now but it would be bloodly lovely to escape back to the bubble every now and then. Even if it was recreated in some way. I loved the laziness of it. The journey there gave me butterflies and my stomach used to somersault when I hit a certain part of motorway, seeing a particular green light on one of the buildings, knowing I was a few minutes away. Parking the car, feeling giddy as I walked towards the front door.
I used to feel frustrated, that I never quite knew where I stood, what was happening, how he was thinking. But it was a good feeling, edgy, unsure and it held my interest, which was rare at that time.
He was so much more open with sex then, more creative, more relaxed with a higher labido. I miss that.
Now I have affection. He has been kissingmy forehead and stroking my hair. Holding my hand as we, well he, has fallen asleep in bed. I love that. But just for tonight, I would have prefered him to run his fingers along my hip, sliding them into my kickers as he whispers to me.
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Irrational Nesting
My neighbour seemed amused at the sight of a heavily pregnant lady, "on one," sweeping the lawn with a yard brush, to rid the evil leaves!
Thursday, 11 February 2010
I'll Be There For You...
Yesterday was much needed but I'm not sure how real it was. Two friends came to visit. My former best friends from a life gone by. One I have always been in contact with and another decided to disown me when I left C.
There was no explanation for her abandonment, no reason that I could put my finger on, but she seemed to treat me with utter contempt and disapproved of my lifestyle after C. Maybe now I am married and having another baby I have become safe to associate with again.
It's extremely isolating here. I don't know anyone at all apart from a few to say hello to. No one to pop round for a coffee, no one to socialise with on a night out. Actually I tell a lie, last summer I went on a night out with a vague acquaintance while the boy was on holiday. It felt slightly weird and a little guilt inducing. She was a female that I had been introduced to by a work colleague, that I invited into a threesome with my then fuckbuddy.
Even though she is female, it still felt slightly wrong going on a night out with her while he was in a different country. Not that anything would have happened and he knew who I was out with, it was strange to say the least.
I didn't continue the friendship with her after the night out as she is even more unhinged than I. Not someone I would care to socialise with when sober. Perhaps after the baby I could go out dancing and drinking with her again, but not at the moment.
His friends are a tad odd. I'm not too sure they know what to make of me and I'm pretty sure they don't hold much interest in being in my company. Every time they visit our home I gatecrash the "party," knowing full well I should really go to bed and leave the boy to have time with his circle, but so in need of conversation that I lurk about instead.
I have a slight plan though. One I shall not go into yet for fear of the boy seeing. Not that it is a naughty plan that needs to be kept away from him. It is being kept away from him as a surprise.
Another plan is to force myself into situations where I have to interact with new people. This is actually fairly easy after having a baby. I shall become a babyclub junkie, introducing myself to anyone that will listen to me, letting all know how new I am to the area and how lonely I am, whilst attempting to be bubbly and entertaining.
This is how I made friends with the original two that came visiting yesterday and it works quite well. Maybe in a few months I will have a new circle here? I hope so because I badly need it.
There was no explanation for her abandonment, no reason that I could put my finger on, but she seemed to treat me with utter contempt and disapproved of my lifestyle after C. Maybe now I am married and having another baby I have become safe to associate with again.
It's extremely isolating here. I don't know anyone at all apart from a few to say hello to. No one to pop round for a coffee, no one to socialise with on a night out. Actually I tell a lie, last summer I went on a night out with a vague acquaintance while the boy was on holiday. It felt slightly weird and a little guilt inducing. She was a female that I had been introduced to by a work colleague, that I invited into a threesome with my then fuckbuddy.
Even though she is female, it still felt slightly wrong going on a night out with her while he was in a different country. Not that anything would have happened and he knew who I was out with, it was strange to say the least.
I didn't continue the friendship with her after the night out as she is even more unhinged than I. Not someone I would care to socialise with when sober. Perhaps after the baby I could go out dancing and drinking with her again, but not at the moment.
His friends are a tad odd. I'm not too sure they know what to make of me and I'm pretty sure they don't hold much interest in being in my company. Every time they visit our home I gatecrash the "party," knowing full well I should really go to bed and leave the boy to have time with his circle, but so in need of conversation that I lurk about instead.
I have a slight plan though. One I shall not go into yet for fear of the boy seeing. Not that it is a naughty plan that needs to be kept away from him. It is being kept away from him as a surprise.
Another plan is to force myself into situations where I have to interact with new people. This is actually fairly easy after having a baby. I shall become a babyclub junkie, introducing myself to anyone that will listen to me, letting all know how new I am to the area and how lonely I am, whilst attempting to be bubbly and entertaining.
This is how I made friends with the original two that came visiting yesterday and it works quite well. Maybe in a few months I will have a new circle here? I hope so because I badly need it.
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