Sinking Low

Okay, so I feel extremely guilty...

I managed to give up my twenty a day nicotine habit when I found out I was pregnant. But at 30 weeks I was craving a cigarette. I caved and am now smoking about 15 a day. I feel ashamed. I think the boy is disappointed with me and I know M is. She has been so stroppy with me.
I confessed to the doctor amidst floods of tears. She tried to console me explaining that the first and second trimester are the crucial ones and that in the third, it can cause lower birth weight and early delivery. Like that would be a deterent!

Leaving a pack of cigs in my car and running out of supplies in the house, the boy and I have just searched the vehicle without much success. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying about the spare pack, or maybe deluded, but the search continued in the house.
Close to tears, convinced I knew where I had left them, I gave up and had to wake M to ask her. She had hidden them in the car boot!

My guilt increases as her disappointment increases. At least I proved my sanity/honesty.

Why I am smoking? I'm unsure. Maybe due to the lack of sex or attention? Maybe boredom? Maybe I feel so poorly and at the end of my tether. Regardless of the cause. I feel fucking awful.