Embrace And Celebrate? I'm Not Sure

A shopping trip was required before the big kids return to school tomorrow. Clothes shopping in the city, our first big outing since Indigo was born.  We were going for specific purchases, a sign that my children are getting older. The shopping trip, I'm guessing, most mothers dread? Purchasing their daughter's first bra.

I'm not much of a planner and threw some essentials quickly into a bag, before bundling the tribe into the car. A 30 minute drive and we were approaching our first shop, aiming to please all, the first stop was a toy shop.  Hiding Lego products for Finn's birthday at the side of the pram so he wouldn't see, then distracting him as I got to the counter to pay. It's one of my skills. I don't have many but every time I have been shopping for gifts, I have always had the receiver with me.

The purpose of opting for a journey into the city was to visit a particular shop that isn't local, a shop I detest. Primark. I have such issues with the places (see meme blog) but crazily, my daughters love it. Word on the proverbial street being they carry stock of first bras and crop tops, so I caved.

I am prone to exaggeration, but not on this occasion. Just under three hours later we managed to fill two big brown bags full of crop tops, bras, stuff for Finn and even a sports bra for myself. It had been such a task manoeuvring around such a busy shop with the pram and a sulking six year old boy who was suffering because his "legs were hungry." With promises of fast food, I managed to pop to one more shop before Finn collapsed of exhaustion and within 8 minutes, had selected and paid, for Indie's next size of clothing. We could finally get food.

Settling with our McDonalds I ponder our purchases. Crop tops and bras for my daughters. Gutted. Initially Mia (10 year old) had been almost squeamish about purchasing a bra when I offered, the topic arising after a comment she had made about a girl in her class. I was relieved that she felt she didn't need one but at least the offer was "out there" and she knew when she felt ready, that she wouldn't worry about how to approach asking. 2 days later she asked for some crop tops.

When we arrived in the kids department of Primark, we were faced with options. Options that I had prepared for mentally. Plain crop-tops that look like sporty tops or short vests. I could cope with crop-tops. Then there were crop-tops shaped with a gathering in the middle pulling them into a bra shape. I was semi okay with those too. Then there was the actual bra. I expected the quality and design to be of a sports bra, all thin material and plain white but I was faced with a mini adult bra, with what I can only categorise as padding. I was safe though, the girls weren't ready for bras. Maybe physically but not emotionally, yet. My safety lasted seconds. All varieties, colours and sizes were being rapidly chucked into the basket as younger girl had initiated bra interest and older girl jumped right in excitedly. I flowed along, maybe hoping that their would be severe fitting issues in the changing rooms or that they wanted the novelty of trying, but not buying.

We left Primark with two LARGE bags and £90 worth of purchases. Apart from a few bits for Finn. It was spent on underwear for the girls. Anyone that shops at that store will know that £90 will go a LONG way and be exchanged for a substantial amount of items. The girls also wanting new knickers and obviously, to go with their new crop tops, selected more grown up garments such as hot-pants with logos and patterns. Their argument being, that some of their current underwear had pictures of fairies on!  You can't wear Disney knickers with a bra. I'm pretty sure I sighed heavily, maybe even rolled my eyes but I refrained from commenting.

Eating my French fries I tried to decipher my feelings. Should this be a day to remember? A mother and daughter bonding day? How did I feel the day I got my first bra? I remember asking my mum for a bra and her just nodding her head, taking me on the next available day to get one. No questions asked, no comments made. I don't think I even needed one but two girls in my class now had them. I think I was nine years old.

I definitely felt like I had done the right thing, for once, by not making a big issue of anything and being led by the girl's decisions. I'm expecting criticism from somewhere to be honest, maybe from their father, but I'm confident that the right purchases were made. Reaching for the shopping bag just for reassurance, I needed another glimpse of them. The bag was missing.

8 year old girl had been carrying it. Trying not to freak out I asked her where it was. She shrugged.

I don't know what upset me more, the thought of wasting money or the thought of facing that shopping again for another 3 hours.

Ditching my fast food and abandoning the kids, I RAN to the previous shop where I had bought baby clothes. There it was, sat mid aisle with shoppers just strolling past it. What a relief! Returning to collect the kids, the bag swaying proudly as I walked, smiling, now pleased we had bras within our possession. 

This morning I could see lines under their uniform, confirming which of their new garments they had chosen to wear and my feelings changed again. I remember the excitement (and uncomfortable feeling, like wearing glasses for the first time) I felt wearing my bra to school, thinking I was suddenly a woman, that a piece of fabric had flung me into adulthood and somehow everything was different.

With sadness I made the 3 mile drive to school in silence. So do I embrace this momentous rite of passage or deny that a hidden piece of material under their clothes, has any significance at all?

Embrace or deny?  I haven't allowed myself to decide yet.