Looks Like Its All Being Swept Again

It's not just my hormones, or my mental state, not even my selfishness but my lack of compassion that is now the issue.

I should be more understanding when my husband announces that he is autistic (self diagnosed) and therefore not capable of showing me love and support.

*sighs*

I was right again. The broom came out and the problems simply got swept away as if they never existed. Polite generic conversation resumed although the affectionate hand-holding didn't. Looks like I shall just have to learn to live with things how they are, hoping they don't get any worse.

I'm not sure how long ago it was since I was hugged briefly. It was done sparingly and begrudgingly, maybe 4 days ago? The last proper cuddle was in bed possibly mid February. Sex was last attempted on 5th April. I guess these occasions should be noted and remembered because it could be substantial TIME before I feel human contact again.

I need a "to-do" list. Things to do when feeling lonely. Maybe I need a shit hobby, like knitting or crafts, something to do on a Friday night like tonight, following a day like today. Feeling sheer loneliness. Being ignored several times when attempting to make crap conversation. No stimulation at all today. The only grown-up available for me to spend time with is busy again with Excel. No point in complaining though as it is for the good of the family.

I should just learn to switch off and become numb. Sit in a comatose state unless someone requires me to do something for them. I only seem to be of any use when I am completing chores for others.

Maybe I need a standby switch!

Sea Of Trouble

A hopeless void of despair is the pit I find myself sobbing in, rather than the excited, nervous, bride to be, who is looking forward to her future of endless positive possibilities. I have proven yet again to be a "fuck up" and if there was an ounce of selflessness in me then I would allow him to escape the up coming nuptials. Not that he would opt out. He is far too responsible to refuse marrying his pregnant girlfriend and risk disappointing his future step-children, so  I would have to take measures into my own nail bitten, shaking hands. Can I allow him to stand by my side and commit to being my "partner in crime" (or after today, "partner in fraud") knowing that I will drag him down with me?
My faults are never through bad intention, I hope to think it's a case of bad luck or bad judgement. Ideally I would like to think of my situation as "things just going wrong," and in the karma stakes, eventually,  I would deserve for things to go right. Maybe I'm in denial and that really, I'm like a character from a film, a sort of natural disaster, a hurricane of negativity, a force of fuckedness. Maybe I am getting exactly what I deserve now, that all this badness is a result of my past. That there was a period of me being such an evil person, yet I just don't remember due to selective amnesia, and I will face stressful eternity as punishment. The problem is, do I bring everyone else along for the ride?
Maybe I am feeling particularly low, maybe money shouldn't have such an impact in my life, maybe my hormones are just smothering my rationality or maybe I feel guilty for absolutely everything beyond my control. I just feel a storm brewing...
Not a row, nor argument of volume, more of a complete solo release. My atmosphere is definitely disturbed, the opposing feeling of wanting to celebrate love, family and future conflicting with the dread of potential stresses and fear of being hurt is causing the pressure to rise.
Maybe my internal violent destructive side will erupt, my body and mind will spin and soar, wail and bolt until all that is left is the calm...
...floating in a silent pool of emptiness with all energy expelled seems rather appealing.
The only thing to consider now is do I give the storm warning to others and hope they will listen? Allow them to evacuate and hope they will return as part of the rescue operation?