Forgive Him? I Think Not

It made me cry in the car today when I thought of the past nine months and how difficult they had been. The one golden shining prize was the baby being born and this happy time of newness as a family.

A happy time that should be precious and memorable but instead has been ruined and filled with sadness.

Maybe for him it is all smoking related. His withdrawal and frustration is being taken out on us. He did have the nerve to blame me for not being supportive of him quitting, despite the fact he hasn't been supportive of me quitting, or giving birth or suffering with quinsy or struggling with breast feeding, hormones, fear of coping and not having a routine, retard ex-husband issues, anything and everything that is hitting me at the moment. I can hardly agree he has been even slightly supportive of me.

I intended on quoting from texts sent by him, to highlight with examples how hurtful things have been but I would only cry if I had to look back through them.

On occasion over the last 2 weeks I have been filled with hatred for him. Yet I seem to be the one that gives in, that makes an effort, that hugs him, that allows general chit chat.

I alternate between wanting to leave while he is working, to staying and making him tea. To trash his precious electrical belongings to try to affect him, but instead I wash and iron his clothes. I lay in bed crying a few nights ago, yet when I went out for food, I still brought him some. I want to go out and fuck someone else to hurt him, but he would probably just feel relieved.

Yet again, this morning I have cried twice because of him but have still text him to see what time his break is so I can take him a breakfast treat.

I'm pathetic. He hurts me and I do things that show him I am allowing him to continue doing it.

But I don't think I will forgive him for wrecking my special time over the last 2 weeks. Ever

Mini Blog 3

Even though he knows the increased risk of cot death and that he cannot be next to her while she is sleeping, he still smokes.

He held her for about 5 minutes this morning and not much more this evening. Now he has to sleep on the sofa again tonight. What's the point?

Mini Blog 2

Paternity is over. Instead of feeling well rested and ready to take on the world with my new bundle of joy, I feel mentally and physically drained, a tad petrified and fairly sad.

The last two weeks should have been perfect and memorable. The have been tainted and spoiled.

Mini Blog 1

Scary as it was, with zero support... I have achieved orgasm! Different and strange, not in a good way, but at least it's a start.

Can You Tell What It Is Yet?

BOREDOM!

A million entries on a Friday night.

Things I need to share...

1) I have funny pains all over my body, some crampy, some stabby.
2) I have been constipated all day and it's been driving me mad.
3) I've had 3 bowls of crunchy nut cornflakes today.
4) I'm gutted at the amount spent shopping today and unamused by some of the purchases.
5) I wonder if my OHs obsession with mops/cleaning products/JML products has anything to do with his "autism."
6) How long will I last without sex?
7) Will I be driven to have an affair?
8) Is the real me dying away and being replaced by a robotic dull version?
9) My personality has changed drastically since being with OH, is there anything left of the original me?
10) Are 8 & 9 the same?
11) Do I deep down want to return to The W?
12) Will I ever make a friend living here?
13) I'm lying in bed fighting tiredness yet have no purpose to staying awake.
14) I wonder if anyone has ever read my blog other than OH?
15) OHs supposed blog was a waste of time. Half arsed and unfinished as per.
16) Maybe that's a good thing though, don't think I could take any more hurtful comments and blame held my way.

Debating Under The Duvet

Lying in bed bored beyond believe, to the point where I have tried to wake my sleeping daughter (unsuccessfully) to give me something to do, I can't decide whether to make a purchase or not.

I have Internet access in my grubby paw and my bank card on my pillow. I'm pondering whether to

a) spoil myself rotten with naughty products and start to rebuild my broken self, potentially starting within the next five minutes or

b) giving up masturbation, full stop!


The dilemma is... If I start working on my orgasm, masturbate at my normal level, will it make me just crave sex?
Whereas, if I stop all together, then it should be less mentally painful.

Hmmm I can't make up my mind.

IPhone Humiliation

It's not enough that my family have the ability to belittle me and make me feel retarded on a daily basis, my hand me down gadgets even want in on the act.

Looking back on my blog, I cringe as I can see the errors caused by fat fingers, the uncooperative alterations forced by predictive text and the trickery of not being able to read back my ramblings easily before hitting "post."

I can only apologise, then promise to edit when I eventually get a look in on the laptop.

Looks Like Its All Being Swept Again

It's not just my hormones, or my mental state, not even my selfishness but my lack of compassion that is now the issue.

I should be more understanding when my husband announces that he is autistic (self diagnosed) and therefore not capable of showing me love and support.

*sighs*

I was right again. The broom came out and the problems simply got swept away as if they never existed. Polite generic conversation resumed although the affectionate hand-holding didn't. Looks like I shall just have to learn to live with things how they are, hoping they don't get any worse.

I'm not sure how long ago it was since I was hugged briefly. It was done sparingly and begrudgingly, maybe 4 days ago? The last proper cuddle was in bed possibly mid February. Sex was last attempted on 5th April. I guess these occasions should be noted and remembered because it could be substantial TIME before I feel human contact again.

I need a "to-do" list. Things to do when feeling lonely. Maybe I need a shit hobby, like knitting or crafts, something to do on a Friday night like tonight, following a day like today. Feeling sheer loneliness. Being ignored several times when attempting to make crap conversation. No stimulation at all today. The only grown-up available for me to spend time with is busy again with Excel. No point in complaining though as it is for the good of the family.

I should just learn to switch off and become numb. Sit in a comatose state unless someone requires me to do something for them. I only seem to be of any use when I am completing chores for others.

Maybe I need a standby switch!

So Again, What Happens Next??

Fuck knows!!

I'm guessing that his ideal is to forget the last few days have happened. Not mention any of it and cautiously ease back into our normal routine by increasing general chitchat and politeness, progressing to hand holding on the sofa by evening.

I'm swinging towards the thought that too much damage (most likely mentally, and to me) has been done.

I would at this point rather leaves, live as a failure who would be constantly pining for him than stay and have him attack me verbally again where it hurts the most.

He says I am mentally ill, just like Chris did. Maybe I am, maybe I shouldn't be looking after children, maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship but be sectioned somewhere safe?

What I don't get is...if I am blatantly ill, visibly to him, why does he try to crush me further? Is he trying to push me over the edge? If someone I loved was standing in front of me crying and I was genuinely concerned about their mental health, I don't think I would start reeling off their flaws and insecurities.

What do you do if you ate attracted to someone that isn't attracted to you? Or they don't love you in any other way than a platonic love? If you can't even be friends and sit and talk?

Surely it is time to call it quits?

The List - Part Two

Affection- it can feel that he is reluctant to give affection sometimes, particularly in bed for fear of it leading to me wanting sex?

I was surprised the first time he held my hand in public and that he continues you to do so whenever we are about. I love it. I love it that he holds my hand when we are sat on the sofa or lying in bed. It feels that my hand is a safe place to touch. The only place he can.

He kisses me before he leaves and again I love it. Sometimes he randomly kisses me on the head, when he isn't even exiting. But we don't kiss kiss. The last time I remember kissing was during sex, probably 9 months ago? Thinking back to being a young teenager, when you could lie on the sofa with someone and snog for AGES without it even going anywhere? I would kind of like that now. I've never even been a huge fan of kissing but shockingly I just miss it, maybe it's just him, that I want to kiss him.

If he won't have sex with me, he is hardly going to want to kiss me, surely that's more intimate? He would also feel pressured that I would want more?

When lying in bed, sometimes I just want to touch him, everywhere, in a none sexual way, just to feel him next to me. If I attempt, I feel him tense up. Maybe if he knew it was non sexual he might allow me to do it. Or maybe he just doesn't want initmate contact with me.

Love- sex and affection tie in with love, well they do for me. If you take out those actions and also take out the words (it causes him embarrassment to say it) then what are you left with? Yes I can see how much he provides for me and the kids and I know he sees this as a demonstration of his love. But what kind of love is it? A platonic caring almost parental love? I see it as a responsibility more than a love. Like he has claimed us as his family and he has to provide for us. A definate responsibility. That isn't the kind of love I feel for him.

I was correct all along in sensing him cringing on the rare occasions I do tell him I love him, so luckily for him I have stopped.

The type of love I feel for him...
Sometimes it just hits me, quite often it's a daily thing, most likely when he isn't even home. I get this warm feeling that is stupidly unexplainable and I get a daft urge to declare my love for him but manage to not tackily update my FB status to announce to the world. I live him so much that I would do anything to make him happy. I get pleasure in him being happy. Pretty much daily, I feel grateful for him, grateful that he changed his mind, grateful that he is the kind of man that would accept three children too. I love him so much that I want the kids to live him and want children of our own. Maybe I should tell him more often that I am grateful, I think it's something he maybe wants to hear more. He seems to point out a fair bit, especially
during rows, that he has made changes for me and that he has accepted my baggage. I do acknowledge and love himfor it, but not because he tells me I should.

With all the hormones flying around I feel even stronger for him. After baby 4, straight after, it just completely hit me. My instant love for her and the fact that he was responsible for her being in my arms was overwhelming. Despite the hurt he has caused me over the past few days which seems particularly vicious, hasn't stopped me loving him. Even when I have been stood infront of him, shaking inside, in floods of tears as he rips me to pieces, saying such hurtful things, all I can think of is how much I love him and how much I want him to love me back, rather than detest me as he is displaying.

Trust- not the kind of trust he thinks I will rant in about ad u have worked super super hard at forgiving, forgetting, taking a deep breath and letting go. But me being able to trust him with my feelings. I want to be able to lie in his arms and tell him everything that is causing me nightmares, everything that makes me so happy, everything I want for us in the future, how I hope he is feeling. Just to be able to release every thought in my head without fear of him judging me or storing it away as future ammo.

I just wish we had the chemistry to to talk. About anything and everything.

The List Of Needs

Due to our inability to discuss ANYTHING, I suggested a list, writing down how we are feeling, what we need from the other and what we need them to stop.

The rule is to be relevant and concise

Sex- this has been covered many a time in my blog so I don't need to go over old ground but work out what happens in future.
After having baby 3, I lost my ability to orgasm somehow and also lost any sensation. My confidence was pretty low and I felt really down about the thought of never enjoying it again. Luckily my partner at the time didn't pressure but was coaxing and supportive and with time, things improved. When we split up, it dawned on me that I would have to have sex with new people. Ihad total fear of being judged, of being useless, of being unable to satisfy anyone nevermind my self,
somehow it felt justified having sex with the father of baby 3, that even though my body was destroyed, I had made this massive personal sacrifice in order to have HIS baby, that his gratitude and support was the least he could give in return. Strangely, I never felt massively insecure with him after baby 3. I didn't mind being naked in front of him or try and hide my stretch marks or cringe at the state of my stomach. Theses were all hidden as much as possible with new people. It took ages to work on rebuilding my orgasm alone, even longer being able to cum with someone else, but I managed it. I used to feel guilty with someone new, that I wasn't good enough, that it mustn't feel very good for them. Like it was something I could help or have control of. A few times I have felt awkward and had to make a joke about my rubbish pelvic floor muscles and only once have I been ridiculed by another over it. (a married man that I had sex with on a few occasions decided he would no longer use a condom with me. When insisting he did, he told me, that I wasn't worth it, that he could hardly feel me with a condom on and I wasn't worth fucking if he had to wear one. I told him he wasn't worth fucking full stop.
So how do all of the above affect now?
Having no sexual confidence with the boy anyway, baby 4 isn't going to improve anything. I'm pretty sure firstly that I am numb down there and would be able to orgasm through masterbation. I'm even more sure that of we did have sex he wouldn't even be able to feel me. Add in the fact that I couldn't bear him touching my horrible body, oh and chuck in the lactation for good measure. Maybe in time we could have worked on it and my confidence could have returned if nurtured, but my husband has no desire to have sex with me, he didn't before baby 4, nevermind after. My worst fears were confirmed, it is all about me, even though he phrased it gentler than he could, but it appears I'm not "skinny" enough.
I don't blame him for the sex problem, I think we are both responsible somewhat, even though it seems to be me alone that tries to address it. I know I complain about him not satisfying me, but I know I don't satisfy him either. Sometimes I just freeze, lie there and do nothing, just through fear of how much of a chore he was finding it.

If I was nurtured and rebuilt slowly, I would happily try anything to please. I want the old role plays, I want to play games, dress up, please, perform, change whatever he needed me to change, hair colour, even be motivated to lose weight for him. But what is the point?

He won't tell me if it a) can be fixed or b) how it can be?

If two people are now sexually broken, is it time to just give up?

Could he have sex with other people? Is it just me he doesn't want?

What is a relationship without sex?

So What Happens Next?

I wanted to leave but he has now made that impossible. Using any mother's complete fear of being separated from their child, he has convinced me that if I leave, he will take the baby from me. I clarified that I was staying and that I choose the baby, not him. That I will stay in this dead relationship because I choose to be with her.

One word springs to mind...trapped.

One thought springs to mind... I wish I was braver.

Sadness

It's a painful experience when the person you love SO much takes great pleasure in agonisingly attacking every weakness and vulnerability you have. Even more painful, when they show no remorse after they calm down.

Fail

Well, the big row happened.

I accused him of not making enough effort, not that he wasn't capable of things, just that he couldn't be bothered.

He accused me of being a manipulative, lazy, selfish, sex obsessed, bad parent and dumb bitch, a basic all round failure.

I think I've just hit rock bottom again as I did 4 years ago.

Let Down

I know what his side of the argument will be when it eventually happens..Arnie.

I have yet to touch on the topic with him and apologise and admit he was right about another dog after me finally admitting defeat and re-homing him last week. Just wish he understood why I wanted a companion in the first place and the loneliness I feel here.

I also need to highlight to him my disappointment with Sunday morning, after getting a shitty nights sleep (being disturbed several times due to him pissing about with the Joggler late at night) I had to get up early and he lay in. This wouldn't normally be a problem but he couldn't be arsed getting out of bed to see Mia open her presents or wish her a happy birthday.

My blog has just become a bitchfest.

How Many Jogglers Can I Smash?

Okay, so we didn't row, we just are not speaking.

To add to my anger, OH was worried last night, huffing and puffing as he looked at his bank statement, concerned about how his funds seemed to have disappeared over the last few days. My sleep was actually affected by this last night as I seem to dwell on anything possible to stress about during the night. I even transferred extra money into his bank today to hopefully make him feel better.
Never do I comment on what he spends his money on, particularly if it is some kind of gadget or electronic, technical thing as I know how important they are to him. I would never talk him out of spending money on a new phone, camera etc.

However I arrive home still mid text row to find a new Joggler in his hand. Bear in mind that we have a Joggler that sits unused in the kitchen already. (shrugs)

I can't even talk to him at the moment because I know all kinds will pour out and I haven't got the energy to spend the evening in tears. I've already cried twice today because of him.

Think the most sensible thing to do is stay alone downstairs (he has invaded my own quiet space in the bedroom) and think about anything other than my anger or the pain I am in with contractions.

It Started With A Text

Looks like a big row is on the cards after my angry text to OH.

I'm so so annoyed with the mess of the living room despite the kids not even being here and will certainly not again tolerate him having a go at them for future mess. He is equally as bad if not worse.

I have tried so hard to let so many things go, such as sex and his effort on Monday night which was blatantly him trying to start me off into labour so he didn't have to go to work the next day. The saddest bit is that i was grateful for the attention. I even asked him for a repeat performance last night, not even full sex, but just a nudge to try and start things going and he said no.

Extremely depressing.

We are now embroiled in a text row which will probably get worse in a face to face capacity later, something to look forward to :(

SO Pissed Off!

I am miffed, grouchy, bored and hormonal.

After eating Burger King and wiping myself out for the afternoon with stomach overload, I failed to complete my planned spring clean. Even when attempted it this evening and tidying the front room, halfway, OH started erasing my work by getting shit out that I had just put away, then not carrying the Hoover downstairs as requested. Giving up I plonk myself on the sofa and start watching crap on TV. Throughly ignored by OH who is lost in a world of technology (fixing wi-fi leaving me no Facebook or Twitter access) I decide to patiently wait until midnight to watch a tacky Jerry Springer double bill on plus one. Finally getting comfortable in bed, OH appears, switches off Jerry and puts on his XBox. My blood pressure is nearly through the roof as he opts to watch an episode of Flash Forward. FF is MY program, he hasn't seen any. To make things worse, he puts on an episode that is 2 ahead of where I am up to and despite my efforts to ignore the telly, it has now been spoiled.

This could be my last weekend without a baby and to spend quality time with OH. What a waste!