So What Happens Next?

I wanted to leave but he has now made that impossible. Using any mother's complete fear of being separated from their child, he has convinced me that if I leave, he will take the baby from me. I clarified that I was staying and that I choose the baby, not him. That I will stay in this dead relationship because I choose to be with her.

One word springs to mind...trapped.

One thought springs to mind... I wish I was braver.

Sadness

It's a painful experience when the person you love SO much takes great pleasure in agonisingly attacking every weakness and vulnerability you have. Even more painful, when they show no remorse after they calm down.

Fail

Well, the big row happened.

I accused him of not making enough effort, not that he wasn't capable of things, just that he couldn't be bothered.

He accused me of being a manipulative, lazy, selfish, sex obsessed, bad parent and dumb bitch, a basic all round failure.

I think I've just hit rock bottom again as I did 4 years ago.

Let Down

I know what his side of the argument will be when it eventually happens..Arnie.

I have yet to touch on the topic with him and apologise and admit he was right about another dog after me finally admitting defeat and re-homing him last week. Just wish he understood why I wanted a companion in the first place and the loneliness I feel here.

I also need to highlight to him my disappointment with Sunday morning, after getting a shitty nights sleep (being disturbed several times due to him pissing about with the Joggler late at night) I had to get up early and he lay in. This wouldn't normally be a problem but he couldn't be arsed getting out of bed to see Mia open her presents or wish her a happy birthday.

My blog has just become a bitchfest.

How Many Jogglers Can I Smash?

Okay, so we didn't row, we just are not speaking.

To add to my anger, OH was worried last night, huffing and puffing as he looked at his bank statement, concerned about how his funds seemed to have disappeared over the last few days. My sleep was actually affected by this last night as I seem to dwell on anything possible to stress about during the night. I even transferred extra money into his bank today to hopefully make him feel better.
Never do I comment on what he spends his money on, particularly if it is some kind of gadget or electronic, technical thing as I know how important they are to him. I would never talk him out of spending money on a new phone, camera etc.

However I arrive home still mid text row to find a new Joggler in his hand. Bear in mind that we have a Joggler that sits unused in the kitchen already. (shrugs)

I can't even talk to him at the moment because I know all kinds will pour out and I haven't got the energy to spend the evening in tears. I've already cried twice today because of him.

Think the most sensible thing to do is stay alone downstairs (he has invaded my own quiet space in the bedroom) and think about anything other than my anger or the pain I am in with contractions.

It Started With A Text

Looks like a big row is on the cards after my angry text to OH.

I'm so so annoyed with the mess of the living room despite the kids not even being here and will certainly not again tolerate him having a go at them for future mess. He is equally as bad if not worse.

I have tried so hard to let so many things go, such as sex and his effort on Monday night which was blatantly him trying to start me off into labour so he didn't have to go to work the next day. The saddest bit is that i was grateful for the attention. I even asked him for a repeat performance last night, not even full sex, but just a nudge to try and start things going and he said no.

Extremely depressing.

We are now embroiled in a text row which will probably get worse in a face to face capacity later, something to look forward to :(

SO Pissed Off!

I am miffed, grouchy, bored and hormonal.

After eating Burger King and wiping myself out for the afternoon with stomach overload, I failed to complete my planned spring clean. Even when attempted it this evening and tidying the front room, halfway, OH started erasing my work by getting shit out that I had just put away, then not carrying the Hoover downstairs as requested. Giving up I plonk myself on the sofa and start watching crap on TV. Throughly ignored by OH who is lost in a world of technology (fixing wi-fi leaving me no Facebook or Twitter access) I decide to patiently wait until midnight to watch a tacky Jerry Springer double bill on plus one. Finally getting comfortable in bed, OH appears, switches off Jerry and puts on his XBox. My blood pressure is nearly through the roof as he opts to watch an episode of Flash Forward. FF is MY program, he hasn't seen any. To make things worse, he puts on an episode that is 2 ahead of where I am up to and despite my efforts to ignore the telly, it has now been spoiled.

This could be my last weekend without a baby and to spend quality time with OH. What a waste!