The Ick Factor

The Twilight saga is something that I am begrudgingly sharing with my children. In one respect I am loving visiting the cinema with the children, enjoying their excitement waiting for the films to release, watching trailers, looking for snippets of related gossip online, taking turns in reading aloud the books at bed-time but on the other hand...it's Twilight.

Compared to some of the dross they watch, it's not so bad. If it was just an ordinary film, I could cope and would consider it time better spent than watching Lizzie MacGuire, Hannah Montana or HSM but I'm just annoyed at the whole hype and hysteria that surrounds the film series.

My Facebook wall contains status update after group membership relating to the films or actors and I grimace with each comment, ANNOYED that adults are even entertaining this film aimed at children.

I purchased tickets for Saturday night and surprised them 20 minutes before the screening. Husband was left with pizza and chocolate supplies, oh and the baby. Off we went.

The film is certificate 12A and my children are seven, eight and ten, but I expected the cinema to be filled with teenagers down to kids the same age as mine. It was an incorrect assumption. There were far too many men in the cinema for a start. During a sold out screening of Sex And The City 2, my girlie mate and I counted a total of 6 men. We decided that 2 were boyfriends trying to score points for being currently in the dog-house and 4 were gay.
I forgave the Saturday dads taking their daughters to the cinema for a treat and I forgave the teenage boys who were accompanying girls they obviously want to feel up. But there were men in there, loads of them, too many to have been just going to get on the good side of their significant others.

We sat down with our assortment of popcorn, buckets of coke, Galaxy counters and funny crispy cracker things.We had two women in their forties on one side of us and a couple in their thirties the other side.
We giddily chomped away and ignored tuts and loud sighs from the large ladies to the left, who were obviously miffed that my little tribe had selected to sit near to their temporary base.

I kicked over the crispy crackers and Finn kicked over the popcorn. They tutted and exhaled some more.

It began...

The film itself is bearable. More scary and gruesome than the others and there were a few comedy moments this time, with one character giving some light relief. The fight scenes were entertaining but to sum it all up...

Sulky, sullen, miserable and pale Avril Lavigne with a large chin and small pouting mouth loves the Jedward vampire with the large forehead and incredibly terrible hair. Neither can act.
She becomes in danger and manages to manipulate a teenage boy/werewolf who also happens to be in love with her, into fighting to protect her. Everyone fights. The end.

I have missed out the section when Avril tries to convince Jedward to fuck her, but he declines wanting to wait until marriage. Avril tells her father that she is a virgin.

At this point my eight year old who hasn't yet learnt the concept of volume control, shouts over to ask "What's a virgin?"
I hurriedly try to shush her with "We will talk about it when we get home."
More adults tut, exhale and turn around. None of these adults have kids with them, even though they are watching a children's film derived from a children's book.

Junk food was eaten, the film was enjoyed, we left, we dissected and discussed in the car on the way home, then I fought to get them into bed as they were all exploding around me like bottles of pop, high on Twilight excitement, cola caffeine and E numbers.

But I'm missing out the ick.

The children looked at me when the audience, and when I say audience, I mean the grown women sitting in the theatre started to whoop, cheer, clap and coo when Jedward asked Avril to marry him. I was mildly panicked that I was sitting amongst "crazies" and the children appeared to have the same concern.

People clapped and gasped and ooo'd and awww'd during every kissing scene.

I had noticed the ADULTS wearing Team Edward or Team Jacob tee-shirts stating which teen character they would prefer to...?  I have no idea how to finish that sentence. I felt a bit yacky.

But the crème de la crème of disturbing was when Jacob, a school attending aged fifteen BOY (actor Taylor Lautner who started in the Twilight movies when he was merely sixteen but now eighteen) appeared topless on screen. The applause was rapturous, ADULTS got to their feet, there were wolf whistles and screams of delight.

I worried that people were masturbating around me.

If I had been in a cinema full of older men, whooping at Miley Cyrus removing her shirt then there would have been a major pandemonium, they would have been called paedophiles by the media and Linda Papadopoulos would be appearing on every daytime television show to discuss the decline of society. But why is it okay for women to fantasise over teenage boys?




I tried to block out the alarming, inappropriate behaviour I had witnessed but just as a precaution, removed from Facebook all my "friends" with Twilight obsessions. It's all a bit too kooky for me.

Standing Up For Yourself...Priceless!

StreetDance 3D has been a beacon, calling my 10 year old daughter for weeks. Several failed attempts were made to watch it but it was all left down to me.

The first day of half term hadn't been wonderfully successful,10 year old girl and myself having a minor falling out, both in tears over my inadequate parenting skills. Her hopes and standards had clearly not been met for the days activities. Lots of huffing and stropping and "I'm bored" was heard all over the house.

I had arranged as a surprise to take the kids to tonight's screening of the film leaving OH with baby girl.

I don't begrudge spending money on the children but I knew a cinema trip would be expensive, wanting to pace my finances for the 10 days they are off school.

Redeeming myself, we arrive at the cinema foyer to purchases our tickets and munchies.

1 x adult ticket £6.60
3 x children's tickets £6.00 each £18 total.
3 x children's snack box (containing a Capri sun, raisins, popcorn) £3.10 each £9.30 total
1 x regular diet coke £2.90

GUTTED

£36.80 on a film I didn't even want to see!

But it was about the kids, even though 8 year old girl and 6 year old boy were not too fussed on the film choice and would have probably watched anything else instead.

When I saw "funded by the National Lottery" and "UK Film Council" during the opening credits, my already low expectations fell.

I accepted that parents sometimes just have to grin and bear and submitted...

...okay, so nobody under 30 in the film could act for toffee but I'm sure they were hired for their dancing skills, beauty and washboard stomachs.

The music, which was all extremely current, was not my taste (N-Dubz and Tinie Tempah) but it suited the style of dancing.

The 3D effects were brilliant and really suited the genre.

Shock, horror, I started to enjoy myself!

...That's when the teenagers struck.

10 year old and 8 year old girls have a recent dislike of teenagers and I was shocked that they chose to sit on the back row next to four snotty 15 year old (guessing) girls. Leaving me the seat closest to them, with just one spare space between us.

I ignored their shuffling about, talking and constant trips out of the aisle to the toilet/food counter/wherever and left them to settle down with the film.

Half way through, they seemed to get bored.

Popcorn started to be hurled forward, luckily not in my direction and I expected other cinema goers to turn around and shout. Other food products rained forward for the next twenty minutes, my blood pressure rising in sympathy for the folk in front.

The teens obviously suffering with lack of concentration seemed to be getting rowdier, giggling, talking, swearing and egging each other to throw empty Pringles tubes.

A sour cream and chive tube flew ahead and clunked on the floor. They laughed. I looked over to see them recording it on their phone.

I'm not normally confrontational, even with back up. I have a couple of gobby mates that will usually stand up for themselves or others, way before I would get to a point where, I felt the need to speak up.

I heard a cackle of laughter and more swearing and I got a flash in my head of "£36.80."

I certainly wasn't going to waste my time and money on accommodating these tools.

I snapped!

Usually I ponder, consider the options, script myself before I "kick off," fearing the unknown. It was an out of body experience as I turned and loudly stated "How about you all shut up !?!"

I could have said "shut the fuck up" but I can't really remember.

I panicked as they all turned to me. People in front also turning around to see what was going on.

I could have been about to receive a mouthful of abuse from a grotty kid or maybe an over priced bucket of Pepsi poured over me.

I needed to back up my first comment and assert myself further.

I leaned in closer and said...cringes..."I tell you what, if I was one of the people sitting down there that had been hit by food, I would have come back here and battered you."

When I'm angry or not concentrating, my accent goes scouse. I've spent years trying to erase it or at least ease it but sometimes I can't help it.

So in a scouse accent, technically, I threatened some children.

For the next 10 minutes or so, they whispered and giggled and I waited on edge for repercussions. But they refrained from any more food attacks and stopped being as loud.

On the way out, my girls asked what had been going on and my son proudly told them that I had told the teenagers off.

I will admit it, I enjoyed the film more than I should.