Compared to some of the dross they watch, it's not so bad. If it was just an ordinary film, I could cope and would consider it time better spent than watching Lizzie MacGuire, Hannah Montana or HSM but I'm just annoyed at the whole hype and hysteria that surrounds the film series.
My Facebook wall contains status update after group membership relating to the films or actors and I grimace with each comment, ANNOYED that adults are even entertaining this film aimed at children.
I purchased tickets for Saturday night and surprised them 20 minutes before the screening. Husband was left with pizza and chocolate supplies, oh and the baby. Off we went.
The film is certificate 12A and my children are seven, eight and ten, but I expected the cinema to be filled with teenagers down to kids the same age as mine. It was an incorrect assumption. There were far too many men in the cinema for a start. During a sold out screening of Sex And The City 2, my girlie mate and I counted a total of 6 men. We decided that 2 were boyfriends trying to score points for being currently in the dog-house and 4 were gay.
I forgave the Saturday dads taking their daughters to the cinema for a treat and I forgave the teenage boys who were accompanying girls they obviously want to feel up. But there were men in there, loads of them, too many to have been just going to get on the good side of their significant others.
We sat down with our assortment of popcorn, buckets of coke, Galaxy counters and funny crispy cracker things.We had two women in their forties on one side of us and a couple in their thirties the other side.
We giddily chomped away and ignored tuts and loud sighs from the large ladies to the left, who were obviously miffed that my little tribe had selected to sit near to their temporary base.
I kicked over the crispy crackers and Finn kicked over the popcorn. They tutted and exhaled some more.
It began...
The film itself is bearable. More scary and gruesome than the others and there were a few comedy moments this time, with one character giving some light relief. The fight scenes were entertaining but to sum it all up...
Sulky, sullen, miserable and pale Avril Lavigne with a large chin and small pouting mouth loves the Jedward vampire with the large forehead and incredibly terrible hair. Neither can act.
She becomes in danger and manages to manipulate a teenage boy/werewolf who also happens to be in love with her, into fighting to protect her. Everyone fights. The end.
I have missed out the section when Avril tries to convince Jedward to fuck her, but he declines wanting to wait until marriage. Avril tells her father that she is a virgin.
At this point my eight year old who hasn't yet learnt the concept of volume control, shouts over to ask "What's a virgin?"
I hurriedly try to shush her with "We will talk about it when we get home."
More adults tut, exhale and turn around. None of these adults have kids with them, even though they are watching a children's film derived from a children's book.
Junk food was eaten, the film was enjoyed, we left, we dissected and discussed in the car on the way home, then I fought to get them into bed as they were all exploding around me like bottles of pop, high on Twilight excitement, cola caffeine and E numbers.
But I'm missing out the ick.
The children looked at me when the audience, and when I say audience, I mean the grown women sitting in the theatre started to whoop, cheer, clap and coo when Jedward asked Avril to marry him. I was mildly panicked that I was sitting amongst "crazies" and the children appeared to have the same concern.
People clapped and gasped and ooo'd and awww'd during every kissing scene.
I had noticed the ADULTS wearing Team Edward or Team Jacob tee-shirts stating which teen character they would prefer to...? I have no idea how to finish that sentence. I felt a bit yacky.
I worried that people were masturbating around me.
If I had been in a cinema full of older men, whooping at Miley Cyrus removing her shirt then there would have been a major pandemonium, they would have been called paedophiles by the media and Linda Papadopoulos would be appearing on every daytime television show to discuss the decline of society. But why is it okay for women to fantasise over teenage boys?
I tried to block out the alarming, inappropriate behaviour I had witnessed but just as a precaution, removed from Facebook all my "friends" with Twilight obsessions. It's all a bit too kooky for me.
